I have finally relaxed. [0]

I guess I should give you some background. I have been a "good kid" up until college. I barely partied. I smoked weed once or twice. I have been around computers since I was 6 months old, and I've been on computers since about I was 1 year old. I was bullied in elementary school, because I was fat. Adults bullied me too. I retreated into the virtual, into the cold embrace of the machine. For over a decade, it has been the only thing that has kept me going.

Around 11th grade, I began to play more complex games. Games such as Dwarf Fortress, and the Paradox Grand Strategy games. I took such comfort in the beauty of the art of logic I forgot there could be beauty elsewhere.

I became depressed, at the end of high school. I felt terribly old, and terribly alone. I could talk to adults, and I could somewhat converse with people my age, but I always feel more comfortable around people older than me. I was interacting with people, taking in the knowledge, but not actually experiencing the social interaction. I was merely watching. I was a spectator to my own life. I realize I've felt that way since middle school.

I would have short bouts of fun, but always I would return to that old melancholy. I had no close friends that I could reveal my inner thoughts, my inner secrets. I didn't even trust my parents with details of my personal life, afraid they would tell someone else in our family and they would realize what I'm going through.

I broke down, and kind of let on that I was depressed, but when I told my mom and she asked if I wanted help, I declined. I knew that video games, the cold embrace, would comfort me. I barely went out my senior summer, and I never once told all my high school friends goodbye.

I have been awful with women ever since puberty began. My adolescence is filled with time and time again of rejection, or acceptance and my fear of becoming attached to another human being discouraging me from pursuing. I have been so afraid of a relationship with someone besides myself that I would sabotage my own attempts at the relationship.

Even with my own guy friends, I felt uncomfortable around them for longer than ten minutes. I was incredibly uncomfortable around people, I realize. I couldn't relate to humanity, for I had accepted the computer as my friend. Logic has kept me sane for a long, long time.

Even in university, I felt that melancholy return. And I was afraid of it. So I decided to smoke weed. And I smoked a lot of it, with friends. I was still uncomfortable.

Without trees, I would have been stressed and wound up until I died. Last night, I finally just smoked by myself, no one to worry about except myself. It was harrowing at first, but once I got back to my room, I had no worries at all.

And there it was. Something I hadn't felt in so long, I'm not sure I had even felt it before. I was relaxed. My mind didn't have any thoughts, because I didn't care. I just let go and let my mind relax. My imagination is back, that's for sure. For so long, I struggled to remember, I struggled with everything. Because that's how I viewed life. A struggle for existence until death. And I know that's how some people live life, until they die.

I feel something inside again. Some sort of internal happiness with the way things are. I have friends. I was so insecure, so worried, that I began to have a bad feeling that my friends were just using me. I felt alone.

But now, I've relaxed. I realize my friends truly are friends, looking out for me. They care about me. So do my parents. Realizing what you have, reflecting on the good parts of life. Something I haven't done in so long.

I don't think I'll forget the debt to logic just yet. And I genuinely have fun with logic, now that I'm no longer so sad. God, I keep crying with joy realizing I'm no longer so shackled with my own self-doubt and regrets. I haven't cried this much, been so happy, in so long. I realize that logic is fun, but you need to have the experience of life, your imagination has to be alive to see the fun. For logic is appealing to the mind, but experience is appealing to the body, the spirit. And if you spend too much time with logic, you will become just as logic is, and I was: Always thinking about the best decision, whether to say yes or no. For when you have only logic, you can only see the branch directly in front of you, and you try to make the best decision based on that. But when you have imagination, you can picture the whole tree. And it's wonderful.

I have gotten some self-confidence too. Because why not? I'm intelligent, I try to be kind as much as possible, and I know how to have fun. Once i get into the gym and start working out again, I'm going to be irresistible. :D

TL;DR Sheltered kid since forever finally relaxes in University, realizes how great life is. Keep toking frients.