I've had multiple same sex encounters....and I am straight.

This is something that I have literally not told a soul besides the two guys involved. Just about every other secret I have, I have told at least one person (not directly involved), except for this one. I haven't even posted it on Reddit yet. But anyways, so I am a straight 20 year old male. I have yet to even kiss a girl. I'm not very outgoing with meeting new girls, and the ones I have talked to in the past, I was never very good of getting past a "just friends" level. I'm just not very flirtatious. But, I have a pretty high sex drive (I don't really know if its much higher than your average guy, but point is I think about and want sex quite a lot).

I know the title makes it sounds like I am just denying that I am gay, but to clarify, somewhere arond 95-98% of my sexual fantasies involve girls. I definitely prefer girls in general. I have definitely had gay fantasies before, but not very often at all, and as I've gotten older I have had them less and less. I've watched a decent amount of porn and have never watched gay porn or been interested in watching it. The thing is, I just really like and want to have sex, and so far have been unsuccessful with girls.

So a few years ago. I was in high school, near the end of ninth grade. I was pretty sexually frustrated and at the height of puberty. I was camping in this wooded area near where my friend lived, with that friend. We were smoking weed at the time, which we had only done a few times before. I really wasn't that high though, and I don't think he was either. Basically, he came on to me and asked if we wanted to trade blowjobs. As a sexually frustrated kid who really wanted to know what that felt like, I accepted. I really hated giving it, but receiving it felt very good. I was ashamed for a while about it, but I kind of realized it doesn't matter much. We had one more encounter (he again asked first) a few months later and have hardly ever spoken about it since. He has had many girl friends since then I am pretty sure he is (mostly) straight like me. I feel like if I had a girl during this time, I would not have accepted either time. But, again, I was sexually frustrated.

About a year later I started becoming better friends with a new guy. He eventually admitted that he was gay. Somehow the topic came up and, again being sexually frustrated and remembering how good that blowjob felt earlier, I accepted. I had no romantic feelings for this guy and never have. We had two encounters around that time. Then, this past summer (about 2 years after the first encounter), he asked me if I'd want to do it again. I accepted. We had about four or five of these encounters in total. To be honest, every time it happened, I didn't enjoy it that much, but then afterwards, I'd be craving to do it again. And again, if I had a female sexual partner at the time, I would not have accepted.

My friends aren't necessarily homophobes, but I don't really see them taking this news all that well, so I haven't told anyone (and I live in a very homophobic area in general). As far as I know, neither of the two partners I had have either. Sometimes I look back with regret, sometimes I look back and figure "hey, no harm done". I honestly didn't enjoy the encounters with guy #2 all that much, but my mind said "hey, its better than no sex", so I guess that is why I kept going back. Sometimes I really crave it and consider asking him if he'd like to do it again (which he probably would), but the rational part of me knows I will not enjoy it as much as my fantasies seem to make me think.

I don't really have much of a point in all this, it just feels nice to get it off my chest when I've kind of kept it bottled up. I always go back and forth whether I actually regret the encounters or not, the whole thing is really confusing in my head. Willing to give out any more details, this post was already long and didn't want to make it even longer with even more details.