I think my father sexually abused me.

I mentioned to my therapist today that I am part of this wonderful community, and she said it might help to get my thoughts out into the world in some way and asked if I'd be comfortable sharing in a safe space. I feel like this is the safest place to do that sharing; I have a partner that I have told, but he had a completely normal childhood and just has no idea how to react to any of this besides being sad, quietly supportive, and reassuring that it wasn't my fault. And I appreciate that so much, but I feel like I need to get this out to people who may understand this topic on a different level than he does. So... here goes. I'm sorry if I ramble on, there's just a lot. Thanks for reading. TLDR at the bottom.

I've been in therapy for over ten years, and I thought I had really processed my trauma, or at least a good portion of it. However, I recently graduated with my master's degree and I made myself take one month off for my mental health and for self care. I've recently started having what seem to be emotional flashbacks... these very intense, visceral, physical and emotional reactions with absolutely no cause. I've always had reactions like this any time CSA or CP are mentioned, to the point of having to leave my classroom entirely when we were discussing the different types of paraphilias in the DSM (I'm a social worker). But this is the first time those reactions have started to infiltrate into my daily life. I don't know what triggers it, and I'm usually very good at monitoring my emotions and reactions to different things... It's like, this nauseating and all-consuming dread just suddenly takes hold of me and I feel like I'm so fucking small. Like, logically I know I'm 5'4" but I feel so fucking small whenever I get these feelings. Just small and helpless.

I've always suspected, but I've just kind of pushed it away and convinced myself that it was crazy to even think about, or that he had gone to therapy and done the work and he was better. It sounds so stupid now that I write that out. But I feel myself falling apart more and more as the days go by and I have time to think.

-- Here is, factually, what I know:

1. My father was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive to my mother. She left him when I was about two years old after he went after her with a butcher knife while I was sitting in my highchair in the kitchen.

2. My family caught my father in possession of a great deal of child pornography. He was never prosecuted, because my mother agreed to not ruin his entire life in exchange for full custody of me and VERY limited, supervised visitation.

3. My father's mother was supposed to supervise some of those visitations. She didn't. She left me alone because she didn't believe that her son was capable of something like that.

4. My father was, at the very least, emotionally abused as a child. He was also most likely physically abused.

5. I don't remember anything from my childhood until around the age of 11-12, except for very small pieces. Those memories are just completely inaccessible to me, unless something very specific triggers a memory to pop up in my brain.

6. I don't want to go into detail but I have a history of hypersexuality from a very young age. Like, 6-7 years old.

7. I know at least some of this abuse most likely occurred before the age of two and a half. Which, I've realized, means that I may never be able to access those memories because my brain didn't have the ability to form and store them. The rest of the abuse may have happened later, and I'm desperate to remember but terrified at the prospect of remembering.

8. The few times I ever slept over at his house as a teenager, I could never sleep. I always felt bad that I didn't stay over more because he made a room entirely for me, painted it whatever colors I wanted, and really tried to make me feel at home there. I was scared and I never knew why; I chalked it up to being in a different environment or being afraid of the dark, but I've never been afraid of the dark. But no matter how hard I tried or how much medicine I took, I could never fucking sleep in his house.

9. My dad has a VERY identical twin brother that I get extremely uncomfortable around. I hate it when he hugs me, he's always looked at me strangely and treated me in a very odd way. I can count on one finger the amount of times I went to my aunt and uncle's house when I was a child.

--

My therapist says that it really isn't hard to put all the pieces together. The rehabilitation rate for pedophiles/consumers of child pornography is extremely low, which I wasn't aware of. I always told myself that he was my dad, he realized how he was hurting people and what he was doing was wrong, so of course he got help for it. However, my therapist also knows for a fact that there are little to no treatment options for that in our area unless he went to a residential treatment center or something, which we know he never did. And we know it wouldn't have been court mandated, because charges were never brought.

Deep down I think I know the truth, because even as I've written this I've struggled not to vomit and start sobbing. I don't want it to be my dad. I don't want it to be him so badly but deep down I know that it probably is. But at the same time, I feel absolutely awful for even suspecting this. He's my dad and I love him dearly, and I don't even want to conceive of this as being a reality. But something happened, and I'm constantly haunted and tortured by a past I can't even fucking remember.

Is it even valid if I can't remember? If I don't know what happened in my memories, but I know in my body? Is that enough? Am I just crazy? I have all of this self doubt right alongside this very deep conviction that something absolutely did happen to me. I've been questioning this for over a decade, and now it's starting to tear me to shreds inside. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make myself feel better, or how to even begin healing. I don't know who to feel safe around in my family anymore. I can't help but approach almost every male family member on my father's side with anxiety and fear. I feel so fucking lost and helpless.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read... I'm sorry if it was long or disjointed.

TL;DR my father got caught with child pornography after my mom left him when I was about two. Don't remember my childhood, was left unsupervised with him, and I think he sexually abused me.

Edit: Formatting because I'm on mobile