[1481] It Gets Worse (the Prologue)

Edit: Thank you to everyone that critiqued and I have already started making changes. As interest has slowed and it has been up for over a week, I'll disable the link (rather embarrassing now that my head is out of my >!ass!<). The post itself will not be removed. If there is a problem, let me know. Thank you again.

To reward myself for finally finishing the first novella in a adult portal fantasy series, I've started editing. This is the prologue, which I've edited to the point that I'm just rearranging words. It is set in this world, so there isn't anything obviously fantasy going on yet - if you don't like the mojo.

Where do you get confused? I tried to do the very show/minimal tell, breadcrumb trail to figure out what is going on, and I think everything is clear. Maybe it is, maybe I'm lost in the sauce.

Where do you get bored?

The names are mostly place holders, that's why some of them are...less than ideal. Ideas welcome.

Critique: [1591]

Link: Prologue