I [25F] am debating on breaking up with my long-term boyfriend [30M] though I do fear for his livelihood. What should I do?

Hi. I’ll try to sum this up as best as I can, though I often tend to ramble and I may add information that isn’t necessary.

I started dating my boyfriend early in 2017. We have been together for six years and we have been living together for 5 and a half years, so essentially almost our entire relationship. I truly do love him, and I don’t necessarily want to break up with him. It’s just that there are problems that are starting to make themselves very apparent.

He can be very hard to live with at times. There is constant clutter, constant half-started projects, and it becomes a feedback loop where it’s nearly impossible to keep a one bedroom apartment clean. And that sucks because it eats away at my mental health. Once, he went out of town for a weekend, and so I decided to deep clean pretty much the entire apartment. When he got back, he was thankful that I cleaned, but was kind of annoyed that I moved around all his stuff. I told him that most of what I moved has been sitting there stationary for over two years, and he kind of got off my case about it. It’s been six months since that happened and there is already clutter building back up.

Another thing that personally upsets me is that he is very anti-alcohol, very anti-drug such as marijuana. I use both of these substances, and he does drink occasionally. But otherwise, he is very against it, and he doesn’t want it in the apartment. He has started to let me smoke weed occasionally, but having alcohol in the house is typically off the table. And I feel as though that is unfair, and I’ll explain why.

I pay mainly for the apartment. I usually contribute the most towards rent and food. My mother helps me sometimes with the rent, but not always, so I pick up the slack so that he doesn’t have to pay more. And the reason why is because we both work retail jobs, and he will often spend a lot of money towards a hobby that does not pay. So it’s not as though it’s a hobby where he can make money back, such as commissions. It’s just a sunk cost. And throughout the years, I have been okay with that. But I’m starting to feel differently. Because I feel like it’s unfair that he is so judgmental of my lifestyle, and yet he is able to just exist working a 25 hour work week while just spending as he pleases. It just sucks, man. It sucks a lot.

I’ve been trying to work on myself as the years have gone on. In 2022, I graduated with a bachelor’s degree, and I’m really proud of that. Currently I’m working towards licensure so that I can start applying for jobs in my field. He shows no desire to change. He will occasionally speak about going back to college, but he has done no steps towards that. When we started dating, he was in college, and he straight up would just not submit assignments, sometimes for almost a month. His grades suffered as a result and he failed classes more than three times. As a result, he now has to take private loans to attend college.

My biggest motivation for not breaking up with him is that I’m scared for him. He was in a very hostile living situation when we first started dating. This is why we started living together so soon. I don’t think he has much in savings. He has a 401k, but idk if he can withdrawal anything from that. The last time his hobby cost him money, I believe he used the last of his savings. So he has nothing. We also have a dog and a cat who love him dearly. If we do break up, both pets will come with me. I feel as though if I break up with him, I will make him lose everything. And I just can’t do it.

I only have been in two relationships. My ex was not financially codependent, but he was emotionally codependent, and it’s a huge reason why we haven’t spoken since the breakup. He claims that I severely broke his heart. We were only teenagers at the time, but that has weighed on me for years. I don’t want that to happen again. And if I break up with my current boyfriend, the results will be ten times worse, because I will essentially be taking everything. His apartment, his comfort, his safety, his pets. And I just don’t know how I can handle that again.

I just don’t know what to do here. I have tried to talk to him about it, but I know I’m a pushover. My parents freaking hate him, and he is unaware of this somehow. They want to help me but they also don’t really want him around.

If anyone has been in a similar situation, please share any advice you have to offer. Because I’m sick unto death of considering the possibilities, as all of them are bleak.