Source
r/travel•
Infinity_Wasted

how do you know when to give up?

hey, r/travel. for most of my life, my dream was to live in Paris. well, here I am on study abroad, and I hate it. I hate Paris now. I'm more miserable here than I've been anywhere else (aside from home, that is). I thought this would be fun, I thought I would improve my French, and I would get to do things and meet people and all kinds of good stuff. I haven't gotten to do any of that. I go to class, I come back to my room, I argue with my assigned hostess (or, more so, she critiques my behavior and belittles me, and I lack the language skills to respond), and that's pretty much all I ever do. I speak German more often than French because the only people I know are German, but I never actually see them because I live inside Paris whereas they live in the banlieues and they don't normally take the RER on weekends. I didn't even meet a single Parisian until a few weeks ago, and I've been here since late August. even so, she's clearly not interested in being my friend. there are other americans in my program, but they don't like me. pretty much all I do is sit in my room and get high because I have nothing else to do; almost every day.

after 4 months here, I still don't have any friends, and I'm very depressed. my only consolation is that being so depressed has made me lose a lot of weight and I dropped 4 pants sizes... which unfortunately means that most of my clothes no longer fit and I don't have enough money to buy new ones.

this is the only dream I've ever had. but I'm so depressed that some mornings, instead of waking up, I just stay in bed and cry. and even though it's making me miserable to be here, I don't want to give up on it. the new semester is coming up, and I told the study abroad director what's up, so she gave me a choice: come back to my home university, which has the unfortunate side effect of squandering the entire fall semester (I'm signed up for a year, so grades are only transferred at the end) along with all the money I spent to get here; or I can stay, continue being miserable, and try to do well in class and make friends all over again. has anyone else had to do anything similar? I would like some advice.

Posted Dec 16, 2012, 12:00 AM UTC

326
lupitabaires•

I'm pretty shy and quiet. It takes me a long time to make friends. I had a really hard time when I moved to Argentina to learn Spanish, do some volunteer work, figure out my life.

There were times when I was absolutely miserable. It gets lonely. You go out, and you can't even talk to people because of the language barrier, or they just look at you funny because you're clearly a foreigner.

But you know, it got better. You really just need to make some friends. I suggest you look up expat programs or foreign student programs that have weekly or monthly activities. There are so many people out there like you! I also had a lot of luck finding language-exchange partners... Most of them were other foreigners looking to meet new people, but occasionally you'd get a local who wanted to make new friends and be with different kinds of people.

I had the option of turning back too. I'm glad I didn't. I have been living in Buenos Aires for 4 years now. I have a job, I have the greatest friends (from all over the world). It was hard work. But it was so fucking worth it.

Look up language exchange, expat forums for Paris, etc., and find your kindred spirits. They are out there...just like you in exactly the same scenario. You'll find them, and they will be your lifelong friends. Chin up.

10
Infinity_WastedOP•

oh, no, I can talk to people as long as they slow down. I've been taking French for almost 5 years now. it's just that the only person I ever really do talk to is my hostess, and we don't "talk". it's less that I'm not comprehending what she says, more "wow, I can't believe she's making the fact that I don't like boudin [blood sausage] into a huge issue; how the fuck am I supposed to respond?" on a daily basis, I literally have no one else to speak with (in-person).

as far as foreign student programs, I'm already in the American program. there's one for the Erasmus students, one for south americans, north americans, asian students, etc.. they don't interact much, and the American one in particular is pretty... inactive. language exchange is a regular thing (every other week, I think) within the study-abroad program, but it's at the same time in the evening as two of my classes, so I've never been able to attend. I've even paid 10 euros to try the speed dating at a nearby bar- it's really popular here in Paris, for some reason- and no one sat down to talk to me. it was one of the worst nights of my life.

I haven't tried any expat forums or such, though, so I'll have to look into that.

1
omgcows•

I think maybe you had an idealized version of what would happen in Paris and are suffering from a depression because it didn't live up to that.

8
Infinity_WastedOP•

I let go of any idealizations about Paris the night I arrived. one of my bags was stolen, I was almost robbed and assaulted twice- both within 30 minutes of descending the train- and then some arabian guy held a knife to my chest and threatened to kill me before the police came and rescued me.

1
transgloballey•

So one bad experience with CS and you're done with it? Give it another try. Join the Paris group and attend the events that are organised. You'll meet Parisians and other expats, tourists, people from all over. Maybe the best friend you'll ever have will be a Ghanian you met in Paris. Just go and try to have a good time. Or do what someone else sugested and message individuals and say "Hey, I'm an exchange student in Paris and I'd like to meet some locals to show me what tourists don't know about. You seem like a fun-loving person with similar interests, so let's meet!"

Your responses to people suggesting you find a language exchange is "I already speak the language." Congratulations! How is that a reason to avoid language exchanges? They're not just for beginners, and not just for language. Go find a new friend to talk to and who might want to do things with you!

Perhaps that bad experience your first night in Paris set the tone and you're not letting go of it. It may be clouding your judgement and making you see negativity where there is none. Did you feel miserable at that speed-dating night? Maybe you looked miserable and that's why people avoided you.

As for your host, is this someone you found on your own, or arranged through the school? If the latter, talk to your coordinator. Tell them exactly what's going on, without adopting a whining tone or trying to over dramatise it, and that you'd like to find another host because you're not getting a cultural exchange out of living with her, which was supposed to be the point of living with a host.

Honestly, and I may sound harsh saying this, your post and replies to people sound whiny and woe-is-me. You're getting suggestions and are shooting down everything with another sob story. I know depression is a serious issue, and I went through it myself a couple times in the three years I've been travelling and living abroad. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness is hard to grapple with, especially if classes are piled on top. But Paris was your dream. You've got to be the one making that dream a reality; neither the city nor the people are responsible for that. Get out there, wet shoes and all, and find someone to connect with. There's still time to make Paris the fulfillment of happiness.

7
Infinity_WastedOP•

that one bad experience could have ended with me being deported before I ever even reached Paris. as far as language exchange, there's one organized by my program every other week, but it's always at times when I have class. the erasmus program has meetups and language exchange, but I can never seem to find out where and none of the people I know in the erasmus program ever go.

you're right about the bad experience setting the tone. I thought about it a lot for the first two weeks or so. but then classes started and I had other things to think about. and yes, I was pretty miserable at the speed-dating. It was raining that night, and I didn't have an umbrella at that point; I was a cold, wet mess. and I'm also not really a fan of bars. but I had already paid, so I decided to at least try.

the hostess was assigned by the program, and it's actually a rather unusual situation. this one in particular normally only hosts girls (hasn't hosted a male in over 3 years), and requested a girl this time too. unfortunately, I was the very last person to be assigned any type of housing. there was no more room in the dorms, and no other hosts available, so the coordinator convinced her to accept me; I was- and still am- stuck. if I stay, however, I'll be moving into the dorms on 19 January. I think I would be a lot happier there, but that doesn't change the fact that I am doubting my ability to succeed here, and the coordinators at my university agree, and are urging me to return. I've also tried telling them how shitty it is living with her (we've settled into a pattern of kind of ignoring each other, but she used to argue at me two or three times per week), but they pretty much just shrug their shoulders and tell me, "there's nothing we can do."

I prefer harsh. and I know I'm whining too. I've realized that half of my problems are actual problems, and the other half is how I respond to them. the worst part is that the actual problems are such small things that compound under other equally little problems that are further added to by my response. the best I can say is that I put in a decent effort for the first 2 months, even made some progress... but then I realized that for all the progress I had made, for all the texts and phone calls I made (even to the other americans in the program) in hopes of getting someone to come with me to Versailles or the Louvre or the zoo, I was still sitting alone in my room every friday and saturday because no one ever replied\picked up. I even offered to pay! and sure, I do stuff by myself.. but I don't have fun. the sad truth of my life is that if at least one other person isn't present, I'm not genuinely having fun. and then I just stopped trying, because it was no longer worth it to me. I can only stand so much rejection, man.

EDIT: offered to pay for the entry price\ticket, things like that.

0
DVsKatCanada•

Also, have you heard about Paris Syndrome?

6
Infinity_WastedOP•

I had not. I'm also not Japanese, and I speak enough French to carry on most normal conversations. I don't think I'm experiencing most of the symptoms either.

1
gpalm•

I've been there. One way I combat it is to just walk. I get out and walk all evening and night. Sometimes I meet people, sometimes I don't. But I'm out there seeing things.

5
Infinity_WastedOP•

did it already. I even go to the louvre by myself every week. but now it's rainy and my shoes get quickly soaked.

-1
gpalm•

Go outside the center. Walk around residential neighborhoods. Get a pair of waterproof shoes.

6
Infinity_WastedOP•

the one thing I can safely confirm is that I'm working on the shoes things. my feet are small, so it's difficult to find shoes that fit me properly. I tried some this weekend, but all they did was put a fresh pair of bleeding holes in my heels, so I need to return them.

1
twelvis•

It's hard to put this into practice now, but it sounds like you are experiencing a combination of disappointment, putting too much pressure on yourself, and shitty people (your hostess sounds like a bitch; see if you can move). Perhaps you built Paris up in your head like many people. Anyway, that doesn't matter now. What you can change is the huge pressure on yourself to learn a language, make tons of friends, and live out your dream.

Relax! Don't put so much pressure on yourself to enjoy your trip. Next weekend, I want you to catch a train wherever you want by yourself and stay at a hostel. Don't worry about anything, just go! Clear your head. Have fun by yourself. One of the most valuable lessons I've learned from travel is learning to enjoy my own company. Although I prefer to be around people, I've learned to be OK on my own.

To meet locals, I suggest checking out meetup.com or couchsurfing.org--no, you don't have to stay on someone's couch to meet people! Every big city has meetings (usually several times a week) and large groups. They're usually a good mix of locals, and long- and short-term visitors. I'd even go so far as to message local Couchsurfers who seem interesting. Shoot off 10 messages, and you will surprised how many locals are eager to meet foreigners and show them around. I've made tons of friends this way. Don't worry about creepers; message people with lots of positive references. Don't be shy! Being abroad is the best way to fix problems with yourself.

Just do it! You're just in a rut right now. It happens to even the most experienced travelers.

Bon courage!

3
Infinity_WastedOP•

sorry, I should have clarified: I already speak the language, I've been learning almost non-stop for the past 5 years. I just don't have anyone else to actually talk to. the arguments are one-sided because I am incredulous that she's turning something so trivial- leaving a fork in the sink, not making my bed, not eating enough, not understanding a joke- into a full-blown problem. I have the words to respond, I just don't want to.

as far as taking a train and getting a hostel anywhere: I would love to. I don't have enough money, though. I don't have enough to buy myself a proper pair of shoes for winter, much less a train ticket. I don't even need to get a hostel. I have relatives in some of the small towns in southern France, but it'd still be too expensive.

I've never heard of meetup.com, so I'll try that, but I'm not too fond of couchsurfing.org. last time I tried it, I thought I had a place to stay, but the host- only person to respond out of 20 requests- backed out literally a few hours before I was supposed to arrive and that left me homeless for 10 days in rural Italia.

0
HarryBlessKnappEast East East London•

Maybe hang around at some hostels to meet people? Everyone at hostel is desparate to meet people, so it's much easier than anywhere else to make friends, & they'll probably have similar interests.

3
Mr_FreNezYChina•

That is a good suggestion right there. You are pretty much guaranteed to have a companion for the day, the thing is there are big chances he/she'll be gone the next day...

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
DVsKatCanada•

A lot of cities in Canada have free weekly magazines that outline really fun, unique things to do. Paris must have something like that. Go out there and try something new every day, or at least every other day! You can't make friends without going out.

If you truly put effort into that and it doesn't work, well, I'd come back home if I were you.

1
Infinity_WastedOP•

the program director also suggested this, and I do have several Paris magazines outlining the events. I made a habit of looking for one and inviting one of the Germans to join me, but no one ever came. some of the events are too expensive for them, others at inconvenient times. and the sad truth of my life is that without someone with me, I don't do things. going somewhere by myself, where I know no one, feels more depressing than sitting in my room... and I tried it too, without success.

1
DVsKatCanada•

Try again.

4
Infinity_WastedOP•

I tried for two months straight. I tried the Germans, the Italians, the Japanese, and even the other Americans in my program. I tried inviting them to things I knew they would like (for those I knew something about), I tried inviting them to things I knew they wouldn't think to visit; I tried city events, concerts, plays, short trips. I even offered to pay for entry if it was necessary. no one ever called or texted me back. I don't even have the excuse of being disfigured or fat or ugly or even especially shy to cry about; I really tried, and I got nothing. I asked the people I met if they wanted to go somewhere every weekend, and nobody responded. so I gave up. I can only take so much rejection.

1
DVsKatCanada•

Try going to these places solo again, try to meet people there instead.

2
Nizzlefuzz•

I did an exchange program for a year to Europe (Holland). The first six months were the worst of my life, and the last six months were the best. Once I picked up enough of the language to be social and made some friends it was awesome. My only advice is to go out and meet more people until you find a group you can do stuff with. That's when things started turning around for me. But before that, especially around 4 months in, I was miserable for many of the same reasons you state.

1
Infinity_WastedOP•

did you also have a bitch hostess? after much pondering, I've concluded that a good portion of my misery has been due to her. I think I would be having more fun if I was in the student housing, where it's not just one older lady yelling at me about using the microwave past 11.

1
Nizzlefuzz•

Not really bitchy, but we had some difficulties getting adjusted. I more or less kept my head down and did whatever I could to help out around the house while trying to stay out of her way as much as possible. A couple of the other students I stayed with had really bad host families but they were able to switch. That worked out for the most part, but they had to relocate to other cities in the country which meant getting readjusted all over again. But this was a high school exchange program, a bit different than what you are doing. There's no possibility of being able to move?

2
Infinity_WastedOP•

it was impossible to move during the semester. in fact, all things considered, I shouldn't have even been living with her. she requested a girl, and has hosted exclusively girls for the last 3 years. unfortunately, I was the very last person to be assigned housing, so there was literally no other place to put me. the director even mentioned this and said, "it took a while, but I eventually convinced her to take you." I also think that, since my hostess was unemployed (and is currently underemployed as of a month ago), she was kind of desperate to have someone take- and pay for- the empty room. for being on the outskirts of the 20th arrondisement (one of the cheaper sections of Paris) she's getting close to market rate for the room, plus utilities.

however, the semester ends on the 16 January, and I will move out on the 4th into the student housing.

1