I'm Sorry

I didn’t mean to. I promise. I promise. She was just so small, her legs were too short. She said that she would be fine. I’m sorry. I am so sorry.

Her parents trusted me with keeping her safe. And now look at what I’ve done. Or would the repercussions be even worse if you did? I am a terrible person. Why am I worrying about the repercussions? As if I don’t deserve them. I do. I know that I do.

It was supposed to be a normal babysitting job. I was supposed to keep her safe. I can still smell the faint smell of baby powder and diapers clinging to my shirt. I can hear the water running in the bathroom. I was supposed to give her a bath. We were supposed to clean up. Why did I take my eyes off of her? Why didn’t I keep her with me?

It’s all my fault.

I didn’t think that she would- that it- I didn’t think that it would be a big deal. Why didn’t I think that it would be a big deal? They told me to. They warned me that she had a habit of...of…

I’m sorry.

I know that nothing I can say is going to mean anything. I don’t know why I’m apologizing. Do I even have the right to? Do I deserve to apologize? Do I deserve to think that my pleas and begging for mercy would save me? Do I deserve to be saved?

They warned me. They showed me how she had a tendency to peek out too much. I saw how she leaned too close to the side when we waved her parents goodbye. I saw the ways that the shadows lurked ever so slightly closer the farther that her little body leaned out. I saw how they seemed to look at her chubby little fingers and blonde hair like a reward.

I thought that if I was quick enough, I could just turn the bath on for a minute and get her from her room. I didn’t know that she had another window. I couldn't see it. I promise. I thought that she would be okay for that small moment when I was gone. She said that she would be. She even scolded me with her toys.

“She’s a big girl. She doesn’t need adults like you anymore.” Her stuffed dragon said. She was. She was a big girl. She was old enough to be alone for a minute.

All I heard was a thump. All that I needed to hear was a thump. I swear. I swear that I ran as fast as I could. And I saw it. I saw the way its fingers pierced into her little face. I saw the way that her arms fall limp by her sides. Her blood seeped into her cream sheets as her toy stared at me with its empty eyes.

Curtains flapped alongside the wind.

Then she was gone.