When people ghost you don't immediately blame yourself

I have a tendency to do this. To think I am "scaring people" away. But I pulled my okcupid out and read what I wrote to this woman who initiated with me first. I wanted to check I wasn't crossing boundaries or being pushy as I can be (came up cuz I follow this witch on instagram who is all about talking about divergences in male and female boundaries).

The convo was getting stale. Her profile said she doesn't like extended text messaging so I was like I gotta challenge myself. I am scared of people hearing me talk and seeing me so I said would you like to facetime sometime. She responded with form of "yeah that would be great <positive emoticon>. So I replied, and not like immediately to not seem "thirsty" (doesn't this stuff fucking nuts rofl), oh that's cool, when would be a good time for you. Nothing. Radio silence for weeks.

I threw in for what its worth my schedule is flexible. Nothing. Now I am getting agitated. Thinking I did something. Earlier in the convo I "snapped " at her when she told me I shouldn't door dash if I am trying to get disability. I said" yeah I shouldnt but I shouldnt be in a foreclosure where I had to kill my dog so I am going to do whatever I wan"t, which I did apologize for because it was a bit "much".

But she ended up coming back an saying she was sorry I was going through all that so I thought we reached an understanding. But still I am like oh here you go again, scaring women away but nah. I didn't do anything wrong this time. I did one final "Is everything alright <question mark>. If you didn't want to facetime or something else came up you could just say so and that would be ok. Nothing. And shes not dead because I see the green light.

I can tell from her interests shes "different", fairly heavy paranormal interests. Fair. I understand people like that can socially aversive, but she messaged me first. I wanted to keep the thread open but I couln't keep looking at it. Especially the content of the profile. They are empathic, good communicator, studying to be lisenced counsellor and this get my what the mod of this sub called "malignant narcisssim" going and I start losing my empathy, I am like fuck this fake bitch, this is all just virtue signalling bullshit. Empathetic communicators don't dust people mid conversation AFTER they said they wanted to talk when nothing else happene to precipitate anything.

Then I stepped back and said no. It's whatever. You don't know what it is. She studies controlled remote viewing, she collects uranium glass, maybe shes dealign with other spirits or whatever. I talk to the spirits of stuffed animals. It doesn't stop me from communicating with people, but maybe other people's activities do. It was 2 weeks since I asked if everything was ok and a month since I asked when was a good time. You cant delete the thread without blocking their profile. But If I left it there I would be tempted to keep nibbling, or worse, the switch would flip and I would rage out about what I typed above and I have not done that in a bit of a while. (persecutor component of dissociated self state). So I said fuck it. I had empathy for her. She looked kind in several of the photos she had posted. NOBODY EVER fucking messages me so that was cool, but it is what is. You can't beg people to interact with you either.

So yeah its not always you. It's just life.