Laid back appearance hiding deep seated fears

I'm 20 years old right now. I always say that there's no use in worrying about the future because you'll only suffer twice. In reality, I'm terrified. I feel like my time is running out. I feel like my life is so short. I have been trying to work on my relationship with my parents. Lately, it's been going well and I've never been happier. I wish I matured earlier. I could have spent more time with them. But now, i feel like God will take them away from me any moment. I am so scared. I don't think I can take it. I feel like I can still spend more time with them and do more.

I've read that in the acceptance of death we can live a full life. I don't think I ever can. I don't ever want to lose my parents. I wish they can feel how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I don't want them to be sick. I want them to grow old together in perfect health. I want them to see their grandchildren so they can influence them and raise them together with me. I know they will be great grand parents.

I don't want to grow up. In two years I will graduate and begin working. I don't know where that will take me. I just want to be a little kid again. I want to have a second chance at life. I want another chance to live my childhood. So i can make better choices and make great memories.

Right now, a lot of things are already changing. My sister is about to graduate and is running her own shop already. She rarely comes home. It hurts me so much that reality is looming on me because one day we may not have meals everyday anymore because we will be grown and away from each other. I'm trying so hard to compose myself right now but I can barely breathe from all the crying.

I really wish I become rich so I can cure whatever illnesses and pain my parents have. i hope they can understand that health is the most important thing in the world because it allows them to be with us.

But the truth is I can't turn back time. I can't undo the things I did. I can't avoid death. I can't escape reality. One day, theyre going to leave me or I am going to leave them. The best I can do right now is to try my best to be better everyday and become who they always dreamed I would be.

I know that they love me unconditionally. Even if I haven't been the easiest to raise and the easiest to deal with. They love me even though I didn't love myself. I am so thankful for everything they've done for me. I am not vocal about it but I love them with all my heart.

It's hard to let go of my childhood. I don't want to be an adult. I just want to be a little kid forever...