Fading friendship

Just venting mostly. But do any of you struggle to maintain your friendships with stay at home moms? I’ve known my best friend for most of my adult life (I’m 38 and she’s 42). We’ve been through everything together. We survived a lot of bad stuff (both were military), been hopelessly broke together, and escaped toxic relationships each. Now we live in the same city and somehow, we both got pregnant 6 months apart (first for us both). It’s incredible to see how far we’ve both come. She’s married and a SAHM and I’m not married, but live with my baby’s father, and I work a professional job making really good money in IT. She is like a sister to me.

I thought this was going to be the next amazing phase of our friendship. Being moms and watching our kids grow up together. It has not gone that way at all. We barely see each other and now we barely speak. My daughter is 9 months and her son is 15 months. Bitterness from my side started to grow while I was making the decision whether to return to work or not.

This wasn’t an easy decision for me and I struggled a lot going back and forth, pros and cons, feeling guilt, , fearing having no income, and worried I will be depressed at home. She was not a supportive friend during this time, even though I think I was pretty supportive to her. I drove her around when she was too pregnant to and I listened while she vented about her husband and how miserable pregnancy was (she also had it in her head that my pregnancy must have been easier than hers because I was able to work up to the last week of pregnancy- NO it sucked! It really sucked!)

She also had apparently worked front desk for a daycare many years back and was convinced that daycares are horrific places where babies are kept in cribs all day and are never interacted with. So I got to hear about that while I was searching for a daycare.

A week after I gave birth, I asked her to come by the house and watch me breastfeed and see if she could give me any pointers, because she had issues with it too and was always gushing to me how she had a breakthrough a month postpartum and how amazing it was and how terrible other moms are for not breastfeeding and how it's the sole purpose of our motherly bodies. Well she came over and talked my ear off for three hours straight about absolutely nothing while nitpicking random things, like my baby's diapers being too big, and reacting over the daycare I was considering because she can’t believe one teacher cares for FIVE babies at a time?!!?! The Horror! No pointers on the breastfeeding, just mentally exhausted me and after she left I felt so flustered.

I went through a pretty depressive time throughout my maternity leave, and my breastfeeding attempts were failing. I was discouraged and heartbroken. I fought so hard to breastfeed and when I brought it up to her that I was worried I wouldn’t have a supply enough for pumping by the time she starts daycare she shrugged “Well you’re just going to have to give her formula if she goes to daycare, there’s no other option” in just this total snobby and dismissive tone. I hated how she said that. It hurt. Another comment worth mentioning: "I don't want to work because I like being around my baby more than I like being around other people". Like what?

And when I decided that yes, I am going back to work, she tried to convince me not to. “You’re not single anymore, you don’t HAVE to work. The job will always be there.” I blew up a little and basically listed all my bills and car note and what a burden it would be for my boyfriend to take on all of them. AND it’s not just a job to me, it’s my career that I love? After that she said "yeah I get it" and then mostly cut it out.

Fast forward to today. My baby is so happy in daycare. She smiles and kicks her little legs every morning when we walk in. Yes I gave up on breastfeeding (cried over it so much!), but once I did a huge depression was lifted off my shoulders and my outlook and relationship improved immensely (I was turning into a monster).

Also the babies don’t sit in a crib all day and we love her daycare. Her teacher is like a bonus grandma. And I love being back at work. In fact I have set a big career goal for myself that is keeping me motivated and excited for the future.

I can afford nice things for my daughter, I can pay all my bills. I contribute to the household. Every weekend we do something fun out as a family. Me and baby daddy don’t argue over finances. We are truly equal parents and partners. I can afford my fitness classes that get me out and moving with other ladies. I can get my nails done. Yes my baby drinks formula and so what. She’s healthy and happy and I am healthy and happy too. I’ve actually never been so happy in my life.

And therefor, I don’t really want to hang out with my friend and listen to her talk nonstop for hours about what her husband doesn’t do and how overwhelmed and exhausted she is. Her baby stopped taking a bottle early and is breast only (something she loved to bring up while I was killing myself trying to breastfeed) and her husband couldn't even watch him for more than an hour because of it. Husband can't help with anything. They never leave the house, never go anywhere. How hard her life is.

She said recently she misses hanging out and I do too, but what do I miss? Hours of her talking and talking and talking? Why do I feel so angry? Am I angry because I am the insecure one? I don’t know. The one time I have shared something that my baby was doing that concerned me, she suggested it was daycare causing it. Even if it IS daycare causing it, I can't stand to hear it from her! And I don't want to.

I feel so guilty for not liking my best friend anymore ☹