my bf cheated on me 5 times & I feel like I won bc he chose me over other women

Okay I understand this may sound crazy but I just need to explain myself so someone can knock some sense into me if needed or validate the way I feel. So me and my boyfriend met around 3 years ago and we’ve been “together” since. Honestly it was an instant connection and it felt like we had known each other forever.

He didn’t want a relationship at first but I told him I’m not looking to be a hook up or fling so it’s either we date or I have to move on. Looking back I wish I didn’t pressure it because he would tell me his feelings for me were strong but he just wasn’t ready for that at the moment. Im impatient and kept pushing it and eventually he ended up asking me to be his girlfriend…..probably so I wouldn’t leave.

Anyways long story short I found out about MULTIPLE women. Every time I’d catch him he’d tell me the whole “I love you it was a mistake” speech and basically everything I wanted to hear and I would fall for it every time. Guys I know you all thinking “damn this girl is dumb as hell” but I was in deep. He was also a good liar and manipulator.

I think the part that made it worse is that every girl wanted him anyways. They all knew about me and just wanted me out of the picture so they could have him. One of the girls even asked his friend “why won’t he pick me?” There’s this one girl in particular though who was around throughout the whole relationship. She knew about me like completely full on knew she just didn’t care. When I first reached out to her she pretended like she wasn’t messing with my boyfriend but once I said “can you just be honest so I can walk away from this relationship” she was ready to open her mouth and tell me everything. She would say the same thing as all the other girls “he picked you”. It’s just the wording every girl would say things like that to me. It all made it harder to leave tbh because I knew if I left he probably would’ve kept messing with them. I wanted him and I felt special because he picked me.

Looking back I feel stupid yet I can’t shake this feeling of feeling like I won. I feel like it’s not normal to feel the way I do and any other person would’ve left. I feel very alone in my feelings and like something is wrong with me for every decision I’ve made. Yes I still want to be with him. He’s my everything I really love him. I guess the way I validate it is that we were both in college and that part of our relationship wasn’t “real”. Our official relationship started when we graduated. Does that make sense? Am I crazy? Obviously I’m questioning myself since I’m making a whole Reddit post about it but I guess I’m just seeking validation and comfort because I can’t tell my friends this.

Also I know the whole “a cheater will always be a cheater”. I truly feel like he wouldn’t do it again our relationship has completely changed and matured once we graduated and stopped partying.