I (24 F) am so fucking fed up and disgusted.

You flagged support only, but asked several questions. Do you want advice or support?

Beep, boop, blop, I'm a bot. Hi u/GeneralStrike76 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

Let me start if by saying this is going to be somewhat of a rant. I still want to be kind to myself, and to others. But I am so fucking disgusted with myself and my lack of ability to learn from my history.

My (28 M) partner violated a safe sex agreement we had. Our agreement was that, since we were fluid bonded, we would practice safe sex with other partners. There was no rule that we couldn’t practice fluid exchange with other people, but if we did, we would tell each other so that we could then practice safe sex with each other until the other person was tested.

I found out that he had been having unprotected sex with people and hiding it from me, and also not getting tested. I’m just so confused because I gave him the ok to do whatever he wanted, I just wanted honesty so that I could take precautions to be safe myself.

I think my biggest mistake was not just protecting myself in the first place. I know fluid bonding is common, but this particular instance has happened to me before in the past. I had a partner who did the same thing-had lied about using condoms with other partners. Luckily we were not fluid bonded, so I just left the relationship. A different partner had lied about his partner being ok with unprotected sex. After I asked his partner, my metamour (who was/is also a close friend), she confirmed he was lying, and so I abandoned that relationship. A different partner had pulled off a condom during sex, and claimed that he thought I only wanted protection for vaginal sex, not anal.

I had told my partner this, and he told me he would never lie and that I should trust him. It just really hurts to find out he was lying the whole time. He said he lied because he was afraid I would break up with him, and he also wanted to keep the “intimacy” he felt when he would have sex with me without a condom. He said he didn’t get std tested because he couldn’t afford it, so he asked his partner to get a test instead. He did not wait for the test results in order to have sex with me. In fact, he had sex with me days after he did with her. For the record, she is not poly, and didn’t know he had other partners.

Each day I’m learning about more lies and relationship transgressions he committed. I just feel so stupid for allowing myself to take that risk with someone, especially after my past experiences. I feel so much shame and disgust with myself.

Is this a problem anyone else has had? I’ve spoken to some of my friends, and found out most of them have had similar things happen to them. I’m taking a break from dating indefinitely. After the stealthing incident, it took a year before I was able to have sex with someone else. I feel even dirtier now, and just really stupid.

How do you know when you can trust someone? I thought I could trust him. All of his friends loved him, my friends loved him. He didn’t speak negatively of his previous partners. He was kind, attentive, amazing to be around.

The simple sex solution is to just protect myself indefinitely once I’m ready to have sex again. But the betrayal trauma is going to take a lot longer to navigate.

In short: partner violated safe sex agreement. Lied about seeing people and having unprotected sex with them. Did not get tested because he couldn’t afford it, and kept having unprotected sex with me because he didn’t want to give up the intimacy he felt with me.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

No it was a him problem you communicate he could have just told you but didn’t. You should go get check d out just Incase sorry for your lost of trust. I would have told you no reason not to. It would have been two weeks of protected sex while the other person gets tested then back to fluid exchange.

So he also lied to the other person, about being polyamorous and having a partner? I'm assuming it was not a ONS or NSA, since he asked her to test later.

The lies go much deeper than "scared to tell you."

Are there low cost or free STI clinics there? Lack of money might be another falsehood.

It can take 3+ months for some STIs to be definitively negative after contact. The other person should know that they need to re-test.

So if it's important to you to generally have exclusive unprotected sex in your serious relationship? You're gonna probably want to have way higher standards than I need to have using protection. You're going to want to look for someone who is enthusiastic about using condoms when you first meet and is forthcoming in and prepared for a safer sex discussion. (Everyone should dump pressuring assholes with extreme prejudice, but beyond that, the person willing to have unprotected sex with you on date 1 or who doesn't seem like they ever talk safer sex, even if they can adapt for your sake the day they meet you, is likely to keep to their own playbook with other new people.) You're going to want, while you guys are having protected sex over a period of, oh, at least 6 months, to discuss what risks you take - how often do you test, what for, when are you comfortable having protected sex with someone and when are you not, when are you comfortable having unprotected sex with someone and when are you not, what kind of things are you going to agree to disclose in the future and when and how. You're going to want those things to be very close, especially around potential partners without tests (very common) and potential partners with incurable STIs (more common than you think). Ideally (and I know it sounds weird) you're going to want to see how your partner deals with additional risk communications and your agreements coming into play - are they generally doing what you guys agreed, are they informing about issues in good faith, are changes they want to make being negotiated appropriately? And IF all that lines up reasonably closely, then you have a conversation and maybe agree about unprotected sex.

And probably you still want to work on that emotional investment in having unprotected sex, because bacteria and viruses don't care about your feelings. And, conversely, partners who are dealing with some risk related something tend to have a lot of feelings, and if you feel cheated on because of a predictable outcome like condoms being imperfect sometimes then that's more feelings, and what would really make everyone's feelings better is if you continued having unprotected sex even though that decision is logically terrible, and that's a great way to sometimes get an STI you could easily have avoided.

Sure, it's much easier to dump someone you use condoms with and don't have a very serious relationship when they have sloppy STI communication, but the actual risks are up to 20x higher if you continue having unprotected sex with someone who isn't meeting your standards. I'm sorry it's happening, but keep having high standards.

Thank you for this. No, exclusive unprotected sex is not a requirement for me. As a sexual person involved in the kink community, I don’t see exclusively unprotected sex as a realistic expectation for myself or my partners.

However, being informed that unprotected sex is happening with others is a must. I just require honest communication if there’s going to be any fluid exchange with others, I know shit happens. There’s nothing I can do to control other peoples actions.

We had all of those conversations when we first began dating. He brought up the topic of safe sex, he asked if I was comfortable sharing test results with each other. And we had numerous conversations about communicating when we would have fluid exchange with other people both over text and in person. I never felt pressured to go unprotected with him. I thought I was doing everything by the book but definitely was not. 4 months was not enough time to make that sort of risky agreement with someone. I think in the future I need to wait at least a year.

If anyone has any other suggestions for this kind of thing, such as examples of their own negotiation agreements they’ve had, I would really appreciate it. I know I’m young, and character judgement calls and relationship negotiations are still a bit hard for me to master.

I’ve had a problem with dudely partners being UTTERLY CLUELESS. I don’t know whether they’re faking it or what, but it can be astonishing.

The only explanation that makes sense is that they don’t think their sexual partners are human beings, which would be awful if true but probably is. (If 1 in10 American men has raped or attempted rape, the proportion of men who casually discount the humanity of their sexual partners in less extreme ways is likely higher.)

Suggestions:

Always always always safer sex until the NRE starts fading, at least six months. After that you can negotiate if you have evidence that Partner values honesty, demonstrates empathy, is willing to be uncomfortable and trusts you. If any of those things might not be true, don’t trust Partner with your sexual health.

Someone who can’t afford STI screening or who lacks the initiative to find a free public health clinic might not be a good choice of partner for you.

When I meet someone online, I ask them to tell me about their history with polyamory. If it includes cheating (lots of dudely folk will cheerfully admit to cheating because they think that poly folk get it and won’t judge them) then… I’m noping out.

Shore up your social supports. Friends, group activities, mentors, maybe a therapist. When you go back to dating, date multiple partners. That way you will be less invested in one lover and will be able to think more dispassionately about what you can realistically expect from them.

Yes, poly people do have deep, commuted connections! But we can take our time to build them. We don’t have to be All Aspen All The Time and let them take over our brains. (We’re human. We let dumb shit into our brains all the time.) We can be Aspen, Birch Cedar… oops, maybe not Aspen. Birch, Cedar and sometimes Dogwood? Ten years later we might still be Birch, Cedar and sometimes Dogwood. And we wouldn’t have gotten there if we’d let ourselves be sidetracked by Aspen.

Don’t know if any of this is helpful. Hugs!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. He assaulted you in my book. He took away your ability to consent. People that do that are the lowest of the low.

He lied because he wanted to fuck you raw without your consent. This wasn’t about intimacy at all, so he needs to knock that shit off. Violating your partner is never intimate. I’m sorry he did this to you.

You’re not the only person this has happened to by any means, and it’s not your fault. What he did was manipulative and predatory & you deserved far better.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate the advice, it’s helped me a lot with understanding my feelings. Much love to you all 🖤

Sounds like they were incredibly selfish and only thinking about themselves. You did the right thing by leaving, guys can be so needlessly selfish

I don’t know how much I can help but from one human to another, please know there is nothing dirty or wrong with you. You didn’t make any mistakes and this isn’t something you need to blame yourself for.

I can imagine the whirlwind of emotions that are swirling around and this is the prime time when insecurities and major self hate and doubt come out. It’s as if our brains want to kick us while we are already down isn’t it?

Just know you were betrayed. I’ve been betrayed too and many of us that have been betrayed weirdly enough feel guilt over it. Do not feel guilt or hate yourself. This is no different than someone manipulating you for money or power or any other kind of gain. It is not for any other reason than you gave your trust, in a setting where trust was promised, and this person took that trust and broke it.

It does NOT mean that you are stupid or gullible or any other bad things you may think of yourself. This happened because you decided to love, trust and take people for their word, which are all amazing qualities to have as a human on this planet. I am truly sorry this happened to you and I know given the right time to heal and the right space, you will be able to find people you can trust and not be stabbed in the back by.

They exist, good people exist. Unfortunately, this was not a good person but there was absolutely no way you could’ve known. It is not your fault, this person is seriously a sociopath and does not think of others.

Much love to you. You are not alone in this okay? You sound like an awesome person that has just had some real bad run ins with some bad bad people. You will find the good people. This will only make you stronger and more resilient and you already have a strong sense of right and wrong. This person was completely utterly wrong and this was not your fault.

I see others have, but i want to repeat, there are resources for free testing!!! Ridiculous statement.

And yup, before i became ENM, I had a partner who wanted to "open our relationship" but refused to "allow" me to date/kiss/sleep with men. I did not consent to opening the relationship under these conditions, unless I could date whoever i wanted.

He eventually cheated on me, meaning hid and lied about talking with, seeing someone and sleeping with someone. 🤷🏻

I still don't understand why he felt the need to do all of this.... I think many dudes just don't wanna put the emotional work in or be vulnerable. Maybe they think it wont be fun anymore if they arent sneaking around? I disagree though. I think its much more fun to talk about things first.

Leave him. Doesn't respect you.

It isn’t your fault that you trusted someone who should be honest with you. 🖤

That is so hard I’ve been in a similar situation.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Be glad that he’s out of your life. There are still a few honest men left out here. Don’t give up.