I straight up can’t do it anymore

All I have left to do is pray. I miss being happy being me. I’ve been happy being a girl my whole life. I love who i am and I don’t want to lose that. I’m so scared in the future these thoughts are gonna become true and im gonna discover i’m trans and become a boy and I don’t want it at all. My intrusive thoughts are so bad. I’m just sitting here, sobbing my eyes out because I can’t enjoy life and I even have anxiety hanging out with my boyfriend who I love more than anything :( like i’m sitting there crying in front of him and how are you supposed to tell him whats wrong when it’s this? I feel so fcking alone🙁 Like it isn’t even that deep either like why do i care so much when I know i’m not trans? Why is this theme so MUCH worse than my other ones? Sorry if this is poorly written i’m having a breakdown lol🥲