Source
r/socialskills•
ZILOV

How do I say no to this?

I have a friend who considers me his best friend. I do not feel the same way, I don't really care about other people that much. We go the gym together, where I'm trying to keep him motivated on his goal to losing weight. I, on the other hand, need to gain weight, but walk alone with him on a treadmill anyway.

So he is getting a treadmill to do cardio at home, and is inviting me to go there with him instead, twice a week, where his wife would feed me dinner, and I wouldn't have to walk along with him.

I feel greatly discomforted about this idea. I don't want to go to his house and hang out there and be fed. Not sure why exactly, perhaps I feel like I have no control over my time this way or it takes me out of my comfort zone, or I'm too germophobic to eat from his household, or I don't want to interact with more people then I already have to, or probably all of the above. It makes me depressed thinking about this routine. I already said I'm perfectly fine with this idea, and I don't know how to say no without raising questions.

Posted Jul 31, 2023, 11:16 PM UTC

125
politicalhopper•

It might help you to figure out why it makes you uncomfortable, it sounds perfectly nice and he sounds like a really considerate friend who could be there for you if you ever hit hard times. It also seems like you've been a good friend to him, helping him.

Is there something about him that's off-putting to you? Or do you feel like going there would make you feel obligated to him in some way?

In any case, you could always thank him sincerely for the offer and suggest different activities to do, you could say you don't feel comfortable burdening his wife like that, or you could just say you're really busy with work/life but are happy to hang out for shorter periods of time?

It's hard to say without knowing why you are averse to this

1
ZILOVOP•

After posting, I've kept thinking about it. The issue is likely the part where I'm being fed. I'd feel much better if I simply had to hang out. Now exactly what's wrong with that part I'm not sure, but it might be some deeper relationship I have with how I eat. I prefer to be left alone, and prefer to choose my meal, I also tend to watch something like a show, it's like a ritual. Communal eating at someone else's household has always been an uncomfortable thing for me, and I can endure it once in a while, but the regularity makes me uncomfortable.

1
politicalhopper•

Could you solve this problem by saying you're not very hungry at that time and would just prefer snacks? Easier for her to do for you + doesn't mess with your ritual.

You could also bring snacks for them half the time or more and say it's because you wouldn't want to go to someone's house empty handed. If you take a lot of snacks, she'll eventually learn she doesn't have to make anything at all or at least not very often

1
Inspector_Tragic•

Or he could say he isnt hungry at the time and just pack the food to take home and let the wife know he will definitely enjoy it when he's comfy and his appetite is ready for it. Depends on how oftent his is tho.

1
politicalhopper•

Yes, they might catch on if this is done frequently lol

1
madmax3004•

If you feel comfortable doing so, telling your friend exactly that last paragraph, and explaining you'd be alright to hang out without the food, would probably be the best solution imo.

Another commenter also suggested perhaps asking if taking the food home would be alright, how does that sound?

I'm assuming the friend is thankful to you that you're willing to help support him in his endeavor, and together with his wife presumably thought it would be a nice gesture to cook for you. Taking the food home would still be accepting that gesture, and could be a win-win solution for all parties? (You don't have to cook food when you get home / their food might be really nice! And they get to thank you by cooking for you, even if you don't eat together)

I would recommend mentioning the food was good if you go there a second time, if you go the route of taking home the food. They'll appreciate that a lot.

1
call_me_a_dangus•

I fuckin haaaaate communal eating. I hate it almost as much as I hate the way that people point at the food while chewing and nodding during cooking shows right before they comment on how the _____ in the _____ "really brings out the flavor." 🙄

And I'm the same way about other people making my food / drinks / anything. I don't have the heart to tell them that they cook wrong lol I think I've just spent so many years living on my own that the idea of anyone waiting on me outside of a restaurant is just fuckin weeiiiirdddd creepy and gross somehow.

1
pineapple-scientist•

"hey, thank you for the invite to your home workouts. I thought more about it and I don't think it's for me."

If they ask why. Here's an answer that works always.

"I don't really want to"

If this person was a good friend, I would say you should share an answer so they can be more considerate of your preferences in the future while still firmly saying no (no compromising here). But you've already said this person thinks you're closer friends than you actually are. They probably think you're best friends because you keep agreeing to do things with them. You need to say no, my friend, and reclaim your time and autonomy. If it makes you feel better, I say no all the time just because I don't feel like it that day. Once you start saying no, it will be easier to say no.

1
LadyHeyoka•

THIS

1
Small_Run_3575•

Yeah… I’m assuming OP hasn’t said no to this guy about anything yet, or at least has acted neutral toward any request he has. So yes the first no is pretty much always the hardest and feels the most cringe as it’s happening, but you need to establish someeee boundary like that with basically all your friends at different times. I think the key here is that YES saying no to him will probably feel bad and will likely be awkward, but at this point wouldn’t OP prefer that temporary awkwardness than coming over to this other guy’s house twice a week for the foreseeable future?

1
SociopathicMindSet•

You could say that you enjoy being in the actual gym and you'd prefer to keep going there. Being around other people also trying to be healthier can be a great motivator, and you'd like to stay in that atmosphere.

1
LadyHeyoka•

Stop worrying about hurting the feelings of someone who's manipulating you

1
Vitaani•

Where are you getting manipulation from? Nothing in the post indicates that kind of toxicity to me

1
madmax3004•

It seems you may have some past trauma, or general distrust of people. I hope you can get help with that!

That being said, comments like these are (besides simply being plain incorrect / extreme assumptions based on little to no supporting evidence) especially harmful in subreddits like these. Users who need and seek help with social contact should get genuine and healthy advice.

1
LadyHeyoka•

Pfft it IS genuine advice to tell someone to think about their own feelings and well being

1
madmax3004•

That's an entirely different thing from claiming OP's friend is manipulative, or telling OP to take a defensive/hostile stance towards someone. Defaulting to being defensive or hostile isn't generally great social advice.

1
Vitaani•

Just for this particular scenario, you can either suggest alternatives or gracefully back out, as others have said.

However, some of your comments and phrasing indicate to me that you might have a bigger problem. It’s fine and normal to enjoy eating alone, but it’s not normal for eating at a friend’s house to be as stressful as it seems to be to you. You need to gain weight, you have germaphobic tendencies, you ritualize eating (alone specifically) and you seem at least mildly obsessed with having absolute control over what you eat. All of these are signs of potential obsessive compulsive tendencies, perhaps with a focus on eating. This, coupled with your comment about not caring about other people that much, means you should seek therapy, even for just a couple months to rule out a possible anxiety, OCD, or eating disorder type problem.

Source: am psychologist

1
liftsomethingheavy•

it’s not normal for eating at a friend’s house to be as stressful as it seems to be to you. You need to gain weight, you have germaphobic tendencies, you ritualize eating (alone specifically) and you seem at least mildly obsessed with having absolute control over what you eat. All of these are signs of potential obsessive compulsive tendencies, perhaps with a focus on eating.

Oh please!! OP doesn't want to get sucked into a routine of being fed hell knows what, in company of people he doesn't really enjoy, and you make this whole big thing about it? Psychologist, my ass.

1
Small_Run_3575•

Yeah I see what this psychologist is saying but tbh if it were me, I would probably be feeling the exact same way as OP. And not because of the germs, though, just because I genuinely REALLY enjoy my alone time and I need it every day. Plus there’s something about eating with other people that brings social interaction to a different level in a way, where you know it’s going to be longer than normal, you HAVE to act like the food is good even if you don’t like it, you have to come up with stuff to say even if you really don’t feel like it, you have to be way more careful with making a mess than at home, etc, it’s just a lot, so I totally get it. Just because OP cherishes his alone time / routine doesn’t necessarily mean he has OCD.

1
Glittering_Recipe170•

Maybe you're autistic

1
GailynRose_•

Perhaps you should say after thinking it over it won't fit into your schedule or lifestyle. So sorry--- but no can do. You are not a personal trainer or motivation coach, which by the way would be perfect for him to contract with! Follow your gut and don't allow yourself to feel pushed into something that feels off somehow.

1
gangweedsavedme•

You don’t have to eat

1
itsallrelative_relax•

You can always say no when you are uncomfortable or don't want to do something.

We know a person who won't eat in front of other people outside of his home. That's his decision. No one has anything to say about it in our friend group.

Just accept and decline what you want to. You could invite him to walk outside.

1
Extreme-Chain-1444•

Bro what’s wrong with you? Bro wants to feed you. He’s showing you respect.

Learn some manners or stay uncivilized. Break off the friendship if ur a fake friend who’s just keeping him around for company when u alone.

1
Choice_Security•

I would just hang out with your friend and let them both know you’re sticking to a particular diet but that the gesture is appreciated. And then plan a particular diet and stick to it if you can so that it’s not an empty excuse and you also can gain weight like you want to.

1
Most_Speed1029•

You should feel grateful to have a genuine and authentic friend that value your friendship. You should like emotionally unavailable. There is therapy for that. I would be to have a genuine friend like this.

1
NebulaNomad1•

It's important to communicate your feelings honestly and respectfully to your friend. While it can be challenging to have these conversations, being open and upfront will help maintain a healthy relationship. Here's a way you might approach it:

https://youtu.be/TiaOEF-3HRU

1