Source
r/relationship_advice•
AFC93

My (29M) unconscious Trust issues hurt my fiancee (24F)

My fiancee and I have been together for about 6 months (proposal was very recent, we know it's fast but are unshakably confident in our decision). We get along like a house on fire, she is my best friend and my favorite person in the world, but we both come with baggage. Some of mine is that I've been hurt before, badly and repeatedly. I've been cheated on in multiple relationships and have had partners call out other men's names during sex on multiple occasions. So I have some deep-seated issues with trust and insecurity. For me, trust feels like a conscious choice that I have to make every day. I trust my fiancee wholeheartedly, and I have no conscious doubts about her or her loyalty. So making the choice every day is easy. But last night, in the middle of sex, she said a word that sounded really similar to her most recent ex's name (still in her life she to shared custody of the dog they had together). Think "fill in" and "Dylan" kind of thing, and then add in breathiness and everything due to the action that was happening. So I heard the unfortunate version and froze for a second and went a little soft. Then my conscious brain kicked in and I realized that 1. she wouldn't have said that, and 2. it wouldn't have made sense combined with the next few words she said. But she most definitely noticed. She says she can't get the expression on my face out of her head, the hesitation and softening inside her. She's hurt by the fact that, no matter how much I say I trust her, I clearly didn't in that moment. That I have unconscious doubts and believed, even for a second, that she would do that. She said that the idea that she hurt me combined with the idea that I don't trust her as fully as I say I do cracked her heart a little. She's reassured me that she'll be okay, and that we'll be okay, and I know that. But I just don't know what to do or say to help right now. Do I just need to give her some time or space to grapple with this?

Posted Sep 7, 2023, 1:26 PM UTC

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1
beekr427•

"Give her time to grapple with this." Whoa whoa whoa... What? You thought you heard her say an exBF's name during sex and you having an issue with that... hurt her? That's some manipulation right there. How is this suddenly all about her?

Why isn't she being reassuring to you? Why does she take your mistake as "you don't trust me"? That seems like a really unhealthy jump to make this all about her. Unless of course she said his name because she thought of him and is now trying to cover it up by making you feel bad.

Her saying another name during sex wouldn't even mean she's "untrustworthy". Did she clarify or tell you what she actually said? Did she clear things up at all or go straight to defensiveness and "I need to heal from you thinking I said another man's name in bed."? What the fuck?

1
AFC93OP•

I'm realizing I didn't go into as much depth about the "aftermath" as I should have. So, first and foremost, she was really scared that she had hurt me, even by accident. She has been and is being reassuring to me. Part of her baggage is abandonment issues and having a hard time believing that people aren't just telling her what she wants to hear instead of the truth. So the moment of distrust hurt and scared her, and she's trying to get past that. As for what she actually said, it was a little bit of dirty talk between gasps. After the second that I froze and my brain caught up, I did hear what she actually said and processed it. The ex's name would have made absolutely no sense in the context whereas the word she actually said made perfect sense. We did talk about it for a while afterwards, and she's not asking for space or getting defensive, she's just feeling hurt and trying to move through it.

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beekr427•

the moment of distrust hurt and scared her

How did you "distrust" her? How is this not then a simple mistake that both need to move past?

1
AFC93OP•

At it's core, it is a simple mistake that we both need to move past. But the hurt I felt in that moment showed on my face and she saw it, and the fact that I could think that of her is kind of inherently distrust, or at the least hints at hidden distrust. She isn't choosing to be hurt by it, she just felt hurt by it. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to move past it in the most healthy way. Maybe that's just to leave it alone and let her process her feelings in her own time. Maybe there's something I can do to help both of us, idk

1
beekr427•

Yeah man, that still seems unhealthy.

and the fact that I could think that of her

That she said a word that she didn't? She needs to get over that shit Pronto. This is not your concern at all. You don't help her get over something that was just as upsetting to you. Your baggage is making you look past things that are red flags.

I would definitely go get some counseling, my guy. On your own. Fix and worry about you first. She needs to do the same. That's the thing that will help both of you. With this much insecurity on both parts, marriage is going to be VERY difficult.

1
AmIBeingObtuse•

I think the best thing for you to do is just be present and reassure her, through your words and actions, that you do really trust her. You recognize that you both have some mental baggage due to past hurts, you don’t want to hurt each other because of them, and you’re working together to overcome them. It sounds like you have a great relationship, you’ll get through this and come out of it stronger than ever.

Best wishes to both of you for a long and loving relationship!

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AFC93OP•

Yeah I think I'm struggling with the desire to find the magic words to "fix" the hurt she's feeling right away. But it's gonna be a process of conversation and cooperation, and I know that. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement!

1
Turbulent-Yam3617•

You are engaged to someone who has to stay in contact with their ex.... because they share custody.... of a dog??? People wtf are we doing here. Good lord

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AFC93OP•

Don't want to get too far into it, but it's a dog they raised together and neither wanted to lose him. The ex is vindictive and would absolutely drag her to court if they didn't split time with the dog, so to avoid that she maintains a cordial relationship with him. It's honestly not some huge, crazy thing

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Turbulent-Yam3617•

You are second to her dog. Fuck that

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AmIBeingObtuse•

Where in the world do you get that he's second to the dog out of any of this? Substitute "child" for "dog" (and make no mistake, to many people a pet is just as important as a child), and it's like any other shared custody arrangement where the ex's maintain the level of contact that's needed to facilitate their agreement.

Regardless, he's good with it and that's all that matters. They're going to be fine, I'm not sure why you find it necessary to be insulting about it.

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Turbulent-Yam3617•

He's so good with it he's on reddit asking for advice

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Turbulent-Yam3617•

Pet is not as important as child. I've had both

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