Source
r/OkCupid•
distalled

[FP] : PSA for everyone. Send. One. Message. Only.

Hi all! Reddit dude and long time OKC user.. and was happy to find while procrastinating that hey.. r/okcupid. Why I never thought of it before, beyond me.

So. 1. Hi! I really like this community!.. after reading pages though, I feel like some people have missed a major rule of dating.

Please-Male or Female. Wookie or Android. Invertebrate or Vertebrate

Please, only send one message. If good natured, you can send two. But as a rule of thumb, SEND ONE MESSAGE ONLY

Use it as a breathing excercise - Somo.. soooommmoooo.. somoooo.

After a first date: how many calls/texts/carrier pigeons should I send?

ONE

When she/he suddenly stops responding to my calls/texts/carrier pigeons/naked telegrams.. how many more messages should I send?

NONE! TRICK QUESTION - YOU ALREADY SENT ONE THEY HAVEN'T RESPONDED TO!

NOTHING will get better because you pestered them, asked if you offended them, asked what's wrong, demand an explanation, show concern, be passive aggressive, whine, guilt trip, or the like.

It doesn't matter that you had a great first date, or that you had 146 messages between the two of you, or that you slept with him/her, that you had the sexiest conversations ever via text, or that he/she declared his/her undying devotion to you.

The details don't matter, at all. There are a million reasons for someone to stop talking to you, some of them only temporary. If you want the highest success rate on returns: Send one message only.

If they don't get back to you, they might be a dick/bitch/horribleperson/satan him/herself... but really. REALLY. Your odds go down exponentially for every message sent.

They reply. You respond. They reply. You respond.

If that stops, so do you.

Sorry about the nature of the PSA, and to some this might be a rule that is painfully obvious, but it's advice I wish I had pounded in to my head when I started dating years ago, and like I said, I've seen numerous posts that disregard this rule.. to the utter pain of those reading.. and posting.

Posted Jan 11, 2013, 10:11 AM UTC

041
ImBloodyAnnoyed•

False.

One girl stopped replying. After a couple of days I sent her a follow up message.

Now I'm fucking her.

6
Coolthulu•

One followup message is fine, if there was some kind of conversation going. If you always find you're having to follow up, maybe not. But I'm generally an OkCupid slacker, and will often let conversations die just because I'm busy - more than once, someone has followed up and it has led to a date.

4
aryabhatawe haven’t changed / we’re just a little bit deranged•

Agreed. Never trying again is really bad advice and will lead to lost opportunities. Sometimes people need a second chance.

3
distalledOPDon't see it as what you want, enjoy it for what it is. •

Second, good natured text. After a couple days. Yah. That's within rules man.

3
RecyclableUsername2∞ · M · SF•

Get off reddit and pay attention to what (whom) you're doing!

0
ImBloodyAnnoyed•

Huh?

1
[deleted]•

Pidgeons are tricky business. They get confused, they get eaten by dragons...

There are rare instances in which a follow up can be appropriate.

3
StevenMC1929/m/DE/Wiki Pimp. Everything I say has some subliminal advice•

That's why I use ravens.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
StevenMC1929/m/DE/Wiki Pimp. Everything I say has some subliminal advice•

Winter is coming, nevermore?

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

2
Casetuar•

Just a bro nothing more.

1
distalledOPDon't see it as what you want, enjoy it for what it is. •

Pigeons also might freak out the person, but you know. To each his own!

Like I said, rule of thumb.. Waiting a week or a few days even and saying "Hey! I had a great time, let me know when you're free again." is benign.

Checking up on someone who said they were sick after a couple days? Sure.

But in general, really important rule IMO.

-1
alwalad29|M|Sidonee•

There sure are a lot of those ("why hasn't she replied???") posts up today, eh.

3
distalledOPDon't see it as what you want, enjoy it for what it is. •

Yah, first day on the sub, I was hoping this wasn't the standard.

0
[deleted]•

[deleted]

0
doubtofbuddhaM/Orlando•

I almost always follow this rule. Broke it this week after she did not respond for 24 hours and decided what do I have to lose. So I just full stop asked her out. Gave a date, location, and time. She responded in 5 minutes. Agreed to the date. Asked her about the place and said she was looking forward to it. I told her gave her my number. She responded said it sounds great and gave me her number. It is actually making me wonder about my approach in general. Perhaps if I had just said "fuck it" and asked some other ladies were the conversation went nowhere after a little bit out if I might be doing well or great rather than just "okay". Hrm...

3
[deleted]•

I think this speaks to the fact that at times people have too many conversations online instead of sending a message or two and then asking the person out.

Direct approach always worked the best for me.

2
distalledOPDon't see it as what you want, enjoy it for what it is. •

A second, good natured message is fine. Especially if you're going to use it to make plans. In most of those cases, she would have gotten back to you within another day I think. Still, rule accounts for another positive text. And yah, its a rule of thumb.. I definitely haven't always followed it. It has helped me more than its hurt me.

2
StevenMC1929/m/DE/Wiki Pimp. Everything I say has some subliminal advice•

Give it 48 hours. This will be buried beyond saving, the "what do I do about our messaging" threads will re-emerge (or worse, the "I swear our case is special, so what do I do?"). This, along with the height, weight, private thing, 89547 (I have that fucking memorized), and "how do I politely decline" threads will manifest themselve over and over.

3
[deleted]•

[deleted]

3
[deleted]•

Haha I'm glad I'm not the only one who posts these frustrated messages

Search function people.

1
distalledOPDon't see it as what you want, enjoy it for what it is. •

Le sigh-cle.. gotcha. Damn.

1
okcupidthrowaway37•

I came here for a Food Pic and I left with my shoulders hung low...

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

2
Aetheist•

False.

Moderately attractive women typically delete dozens of unread or half-read messages a week.

If it's been 2 or 3 months you're just as likely to get a response with a new message as you were with the original one.

2
distalledOPDon't see it as what you want, enjoy it for what it is. •

If read properly, this obviously is about follow up message, not intro messages. Waiting a few months and trying again is fine, there's no harm in that into message.

However, you'd be smart to save that girl you're interested in to favorites, and send that message when you see her go online.

1
[deleted]•

I go the other way and send 100.

2
Tarblz22/Eeyore/M/CA•

So I've run out of people to message in my area. Should I just quit? Should I start sending second messages? Should I make a new account, enabling me to send a second message without them knowing that it's me behind the message?

This rule is bollocks.

0
distalledOPDon't see it as what you want, enjoy it for what it is. •

Uhm. I mean if its been a year or something, sure. What good exactly would it do? I find it hard to believe you've contacted all the women in your area that are nearly a good match, considering new people come in, and inactive accounts go active, and girls go single daily.

What good is sending another message going to do? This was more in regards to messages that have been responded to, not introductory messages, but still. That girl you messaged last week? You're going to send her ANOTHER first message?

If that's how you feel, widen your net, or join a club and meet girls who share your specific interests.

This rule is a fundamental rule of dating in my experience. Confidence is attractive to most people, and sending a second unrequited message is an easy way to show a lack of it.

0
Tarblz22/Eeyore/M/CA•

I tend to hide people after sending my first message, right now OkC has been showing me the same 25 or so women for the past month. I'm assuming that's because I've messaged everyone else within my attractiveness rating.

Generally I'm talking 2-3 months between messages, normally my profile has changed slightly (I try to change something at least once a month).

The club idea would be good, if I was any other major than Computer Science. Between the security, robotics and programming clubs there are about 7 women.

1
distalledOPDon't see it as what you want, enjoy it for what it is. •

First messages are different, by their nature. You don't know if someone saw it, if they get a lot of messages. That being said, messaging any of the same people multiple times is a bad bet. I tend to search within fifty miles, and search using terms in my interest. OKC is good, but I've found taking the search on by myself works better.

I went to a school that was eight to one male/female, so I know your pain. Still, finding an interest of yours that has a club with more girls potentially in it, or simple searching all profiles for key terms.. I mean, I don't know where you live, but most places I've been have had a lot of women.

I try to put out as many messages as I can. I still keep finding great girls that share my interests no matter how much I look, but it takes searching outside OKCs given matches.

Use or don't use this rule on your first messages, but do use it in general when dating. Its a rule that would have helped me a lot, and saved me embarrassment at your age. The more I employ it, the better results have been. Doesn't mean that all those girls get back to me, but certainly I've never gotten anything but negative results by ignoring it as a general rule.

Someone should be interested in you, so it shouldn't take multiple messages to get a response. It never hurts to be patient, and often I find if I wait, the girl will come to me for a follow up, which feels good, and makes you feel much more secure in the second date.

In the end. Its my opinion, but with friends and myself, and in being in the opposite position myself at times, its been made incredibly clear to me.

Good luck man! From across the pond.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
distalledOPDon't see it as what you want, enjoy it for what it is. •

I don't know if I should laugh, or lose all hope in humanity.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
[deleted]•

Or you send one purposely bad message, followed by another apologizing for lack of originality in which you genuinely put your message forward. The first message fosters familiarity while the second demonstrates you care and are not just firing out copy-paste messages, most importantly it shows that person you were thinking about them.

I'm new to okcupid, but a long time schweff!

-2
imeanreallyy•

I absolutely detest receiving multiple messages from the same person, especially when I didn't reply to the first. Your method comes off as annoying and desperate, honestly.

1
[deleted]•

So far its worked for me, in real life and the internet. I probably wouldn't try it on a judgmental bitch like you though.

-3
imeanreallyy•

Whoa, sir. No need to take your anger out on me for all of the women who didn't reply back using your method.

1
[deleted]•

The day I get angry that someone didn't reply to me on OKC, is the day I realize I have a sad life.

0
distalledOPDon't see it as what you want, enjoy it for what it is. •

Its a gamble.. on OKC sometimes you only get one message, before yours gets buried! But yah, rule accounts for second, good natured message.

1