How to talk about housework without starting a fight (46F & 48F)

Background:

My wife and I (both F, both middle aged) have been together for over two decades. We moved in together early in our relationship.

We used to split housework pretty evenly and if one of us was out of work then that one would pick up more slack around our living space.

I was unemployed right before and during the beginning of covid. During that time I made sure I did much more around the house, like nearly all the cooking, meal planning, shopping and errands, cleaning, the deep cleaning (things you do every year or so), landscaping, household improvements, those kind of things. All my wife had to do was help put away the dishwasher once in a while and do laundry, which I still helped with.

When I found work it was WFH and a fairly easy job, so I was able to keep doing all the extra things during my work day when I had time.

I switched to another company where I am much busier during the day and on a hybrid schedule. I work probably 45+ hours a week plus a total of 2 hours combined commuting time 3 days a week. The money is nearly double what I made before, though.

My wife was laid off earlier in the year and hasn't found work yet (no fault of her own here, I completely understand how hard it is to find a position, I am encouraging and understanding on this with her all the time - I don't want her self worth to be dictated by what she does). Her old position was 100% WFH from the beginning, even before covid.

Since I started the new job that's more demanding, she never really increased her work to pre-covid levels around the house. When I was in an office 5 days a week and she had slow days she'd a little more around the house (sweep, pick things up, clean the stove, tidy up, etc). She stopped doing all those things when I was unemployed and now I have to explicitly ask for help or leave a list.

She said during covid she was too depressed and stressed to do more. I understood. After covid she was still too depressed to do more. She also won't see a therapist or doctor for this though I have suggested it might be a good thing to do. She has done therapy before and insists she has her coping techniques but doesn't have the desire to use them.

Since she has been unemployed she has done very little around the house. She will wait for me to come home before thinking about dinner, and usually expects me to cook, so we eat pretty late. She does no other tidying, so I end up having to give up evenings and weekends to do more work around the house since everything is even messier.

I tried to bring it up the other day and she lost her shit on me, told me she was just the hired help to me and she never wanted to be a housewife. Neither did I want to be one, but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask the partner not working to do a little more around the house than the one who is working.

I don't know how to bring it up again without sounding like an entitled asshole. I am home every weekend trying to keep things livable and she expects me to take care of her. She wasn't like this before and I don't know what to do about it. She will do things if I make her a list, but on top of the emotional extra labor most of the items don't get done if they require more than 10 minutes of effort. But she has plenty of energy to help our friends out all the time.

And yes, I do acknowledge when she helps out and make sure she knows how much I appreciate her efforts. I have never taken her for granted, which is why the outburst surprised me so much. I am not asking her to do 8 hours of hard labor around the house, just an hour every day to keep things at a normal filth level. So I'm not cleaning all day, all weekend.

I also have health problems that cause me pain during some of these activities, she does not share the same issues.

Any suggestions? I'm open to couples therapy it she isn't.