I didn't exactly understand the way rule 6 was worded so I'm sorry if this breaks the rule but DAE?

so ive been groomed like 30 times (sending nudes to pedophiles but consensually though and liking it thats why i did it, im 14) and i think thats the reason i feel this way. i want to be sexually assaulted. please dont yell at me. its not a sexual thing or a kink, its because my brain is fucking stupid. it thinks if i get raped ill get validation. and i feel like id feel that my trauma is actually valid if something like rape happened to me. ill literally go out of my way to try and get it to happen. i know im a horrible fucking person for this i was just wondering if anyone felt the same. i dont feel like i can talk to people about this since i know its an awful thing to want and i know this is gonna get downvoted to shit