[2290] Form H-311

I'm new to writing fiction, but found this a lot of fun to write. I'm interested in any feedback people have, from general structure points to line edits or comments on my prose. In particular, there are a few aspects I'm curious about:

• How's the pacing? Does the story drag around the middle?
• How does my prose sound? Does the tone feel consistent throughout?

Any thoughts on these (or suggestions on how to improve) would be much appreciated.

My critique:

[2757] After Credits

My submission:

Form H-311