The situation is so uncomfortable

I don't feel I ever do anything because I like doing it, and even if I do, I have to do it being hidden, as if it's something wrong. I just do things cause other people won't like it if I do other way. Ik and understand it should be this way, and I should just do things according to how I want, but I can seem to do it, coz I crave validation from others so much and I can't help myself, and that makes me cry so much. I'm always scared my family is going find out something I did that they wouldn't approve, and then I'll be over. I care about them so much and I'm so much attached to them that it feels so hard to detach. They've so much hope and expectations from me to a point, that me having my own opinion, desire, wish, personality seem wrong. It should be always as per them, and I'm fucking just living by even after realising all of it, coz I'm fucking scared to speak up, I'm fucking scared they are going to yell at me, stop talking to me ( it's so hard to survive my any of them stops talking to me which happened many times). So it's like I continuously have to do things which is good according to them to get their validation and love, and I find myself emotionally so much dependent on them. I feel so good when they praise me, shows their concern and makes me feel important and included. But when I do something I like I feel so happy and free and so myself then that I feel like I want this life only and want to abandon my family, but if at any point I get caught of anything, I just instantly feel failed, not that I regret doing the things I did, but there's this uncomfortable feeling in my chest that is so unbearable. I just learn so hide things in more good way, but then I'm always scared, they're going to find it. I lie to them so much, that I'm so good at lying now, and I feel so bad about lying, I wish they were understanding so that there was no need of lying. I so much envy of the people who tells everything at their home. I wish I was born to a different family, I feel like I'm ruined as a person. Coz I feel too weak to be just by myself without having no contact or bad contact with them, and it's too dark to be just keep pretending like a good girl and living loosing my true self gradually. And it's either of these two only, I have to leave them, or I have to leave myself, and ik leave them is what I should do even if it's so hard, but for me to actually do it, ( I hope I'll be able to do it), is so so so hard and heart breaking. Ik I can't have both my family and a life I desire where I get to live being completely myself. It's impossible.