i want to relapse just because; i’m tired of rehabilitation

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non binary, (they/he) 18 years old. i’ve been 6 months clean, and i am proud of myself but a lot of times before this i really wanted to sh again; i think thats normal at every recovery experience, because this isnt my first time trying to recover from some shit. but i am getting pretty tired and don’t even caring about rehabilitation at all.

i started college two months ago, and it’s been hell; first, the animation studies plan here is horrible so i want to change school, but i’ll have to wait till january or even august 2024. second, the place where i’m living rn.

i am autistic, so it’s pretty easy for me to meltdown, but i’ve been living in a really different place for me, and i just learned that i’m not good living with roommates; i’m literally living w people that i know from nothing at all. and since i don’t want to have a meltdown bc i don’t want to embarrass myself but i’m already some kinda of weirdo to them it’s hurting me. from august till now i’ve only talked to them like five or six times bc i always try to run away as soon as they talk to me. maybe they just want to comprehend me more and then i am just wanting to isolate myself. some of my habits sometimes bother my roommates and they are all by accident, and even if i try to change them, they still complain about them, i feel horrible bc i am really trying and it’s hard, and i still don’t do enough. i feel nervous everytime i enter my department and they are there, i feel like they’re gonna say something and i have to walk away as fast as i can. i just want to get out of here, i am so nervous everyday and i feel like like a bother to them.

i’ve been wanting to relapse since i started this; i’m trying to not do it because my boyfriend really cares about me dealing w this and if i relapse i don’t know how i’d tell him. i know that maybe he will want to talk to me or comfort me, but this is like my brain tries to make me think the opposite and that he will be disappointed, even tho he is pretty kind w me. he always says how proud he is of me everytime i show him my clean streak, now i feel like i will just let him down if i don’t care about all my work and just relapse again. feeling like a bothering for him and that he won’t have to get worry about me because i am actually mentally fucked up. i am scared that some day he is just gonna get tired of me being mentally ill.

i feel like i just want to see blood again on my thighs and wanting to get that feeling about hurting again, but i’ve done already this far and i will just let myself and everyone down. the worst of all it’s that i am not even having a crisis when i want to relapse; i want to relapse just BECAUSE. i am taking antidepressants and so tired of having to be dependent on pills to even live my life in a “normal” way. please help i don’t know how much i can handle this anymore. i’m actually suffering and i cry almost all the time every single day about this, i can’t tell anyone bc i think im just bothering. please help.