BPD & Depression

I will get bouts of being utterly unhappy and I try to be happy, but I ultimately fail. I was told that I seem like I'm trying not to be happy and it genuinely crushed me. I know this isn't healthy but now I'm pretending to put a smile on my face everyday. I have horrible thoughts about myself everyday and I feel so exhausted with myself. I'm trying to pull myself out of this hole but it feels impossible and apparently, "I'm unable to have any good days". I'm not sure how to respond to things like this. I'm unhappy and I'm not okay. I could've just shut my phone off and cut everyone off, but that's what is easiest for me and I'm fucking trying, but it never seems to be enough. I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I'm just unwell and unhappy. I needed to vent I suppose.