Why did I do this?

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I broke up with my boyfriend of 11 months. We were friends for almost 2 years before dating. We discussed breaking up over the course of 3 days and we were so drained by the time I made the decision for the third and final time. It was the toughest thing ever, and we both absolutely cried our eyes out. I did it and I think that’s what hurts even more. I’m not sure if this is even relevant or understandable to some people but I did it because we wanted to explore different religions and I was scared of how this would impact my family in the future. They’re pretty conservative and religious so bringing someone of a different faith would absolutely shatter the family dynamic. Not just the immediate family, but the extended as well. They’d be completely isolated because of my choice. He was the male version of me, and I feel so silly because he made me so happy and if I shove the religious issue to the side, we were amazing. I hate feeling so conflicted. I struggle with who I’m trying to make happy. My family, or myself. I do love God, and believe but I genuinely did not expect it to be so hard, or for me to feel so torn between what should be “right” and what my heart wants. He begged me to go research my faith, and find the “truth” and we’d always have intense, heated disagreements about religion because he believed in Islam, I believe in Christianity. After this breakup, I hit rock bottom, wanted to lose my faith and just commit suicide from how lost I felt in life and my faith. The funny thing is, I have been raised Catholic but I’ve realised maybe Catholicism isn’t for me, and I’d rather be non-denominational. No statues, saints, rosaries - and these are things he even pointed out to me that were contradictory to the Bible and I tried to substantiate (but failed). He wanted me to “convince” him, show him Christianity is more real and credible than Islam, but I couldn’t. I keep thinking maybe this was an okay decision because at least my family won’t disown me but I truely did love him and felt he was made for me. My family adore me, would die for me and don’t even know about this relationship. They are the most loving people.

Since that day, I’ve messaged him twice, first to say I’m sorry and that I’m researching my faith, and the second to say I will reach out at the end of the month with my findings. He has left me on read. I do want him to try and see why I so strongly believe in Christianity, as he isn’t even a practicing Muslim, but even if he comes back, how can I be selfish enough to ask him not to seek his own faith? Or forge his own path? That’s so mean and hurtful to do to someone, especially someone you love. I guess I have to let him go because I’m not sure I have the strength to deal with the fallout of losing my family and my faith. I was pretty silly getting into something like this, but at least I tried I guess. It’s my first heartbreak so maybe that’s why it’s worse and hurts so much. I miss him so much. I’m not sure any other guy will be right for me the way he was. His love for me was so special and intense. I know it cannot be matched.