I’m happiest when I’m alone?

Tags: Rant/Vent, Celebrating success

Hi all, I’m 23F and my other diagnoses are PTSD and GAD. I wouldn’t be surprised if I have Autism Spectrum Disorder. I’d be surprised if I didn’t. Lol.

I’ve always struggled getting along with other humans. Always. Other humans see me fidget/stim and get irritated or anxious. Or they see or hear something from me and they have to make a comment or laugh. Idk, it always seems like everytime I hang out with neurotypicals, they have to tell me how weird I am or obviously feel weird in my presence.

But when I’m alone, that’s magic.

I like to listen to ambience/background music. I only listen to real music when I wanna dance.

I like the way my home is decorated. I enjoy looking around my home. My friends waited until a few times they’ve been over but have vented about how they don’t like how low my couch is or this or that.

When I’m by myself, I find myself entering a WHOLE DIFFERENT MINDSET.

If someone (me) spills a drink, no issue, let’s just clean it up. I noticed my friends with berate themselves when they spill something and I told them it’s no worries but they still talk negatively to themselves.

If someone (me) stims, it’s no big deal lmao.

When I’m by myself, I find my inner monologue is about how happy and cozy I am. How grateful I am to be where I am. When I’m with others, I find myself thinking about “what needs improvement” and being negative.

I try to remain hopeful. I tell myself there’s good people out there that I haven’t met yet. I tell myself my friends love me but go to their homes instead. But it’s becoming harder. I feel like I want to shut myself in and take a break from neurotypicals/humans and just enjoy my brain and what I’ve built for myself. It might not look like a lot but it is a lot, and I’m happy. But not when I’m around other people.

Thanks if you read this! 🌸🌼