Monday is the day

I thought after my first attempt (coming up to a year ago) I would do it again straight away but I didn’t which surprised me. I was in a strange state of mind I can’t explain but one I didn’t mind. I felt almost better knowing I could do it again and feel nothing. No pain or fear. If I needed to go I could just go. The last few months have been up and down. Tried counselling but dropped it because I didn’t feel it was beneficial to me. I have waited about for a surgery date which is still nowhere in sight and even with surgery my life will always be filled with pain and suffering. I’ll never get to have my dream career and that is pathetically what hurts me more than anything. More than my past events. More than every bad thing that’s happened in my life. I will never be what I want to be and that kills me. I’m so disappointed in myself for not being stronger and achieving these things. The last few days have been difficult inside my head and it’s so messy I can’t even explain why that is. My mind is going back and forward but I don’t have a choice I can’t watch time move forward but my mind is staying still. I have lost everybody I have ever loved and I can’t loose anybody else so it’s better to go.

The saddest part of this for me personally is the blue lights. When they eventually greet me. How that could have been me. If I had just been strong enough in my mind. I wish I could have been more than this.