Dating after divorce is like mental gymnastics

So maybe this isn't news for most people on here, but it's definitely something that has been a real trial-by-fire experience for me so far...and I'm still relatively new to this side of things. Since I've opened myself up to dating again I've been able to feel a wide array of emotions and uncovered wounds and traumas that I didn't even know existed. I'm not necessarily mad as I'm trying to consider everything a learning experience and be better going forward, but it is exhausting to say the least.

Over the last little while I've gone on a few dates and had conversations with several different women. Some of the conversations went nowhere, one has been ongoing (potential date TBD) and another has led to a 2nd date, which took place last night. So far everything has seemed to go well with the woman who I've gone on 2 dates with, and who also was set up by a mutual friend. The week before our first date we texted back and forth quite a bit and it was exciting! I hadn't had that kind of connection or attention for quite some time and it was wonderful to get so much attention. Our first date went really well and we seemed to hit it off easily, which is when we scheduled the 2nd date. Last week we texted back and forth, but it was significantly less than the previous. Although both of us had a very busy work week, which made it more difficult and we had already had the first date and learned quite a bit about each other. Our date last night seemed to go alright, but it wasn't quite as eventful and she appeared to still be exhausted from the week and was less talkative and active. We still had dinner and attended the planned event, but we ended it a bit earlier so she could go home and get some rest before work early the next morning. I took her back to her place, we hugged, said our goodnights and mentioned that we would find another time to do something again. It didn't end quite the way I had hoped, but it didn't seem bad on the surface. After I got home and went to bed, my mind went into overdrive thinking about all the different things and if it actually ended well or if something went wrong. Was she just tired, did I do or say something wrong or was I simply overthinking after having such a busy last few weeks.

Talking and going on dates with this woman has been wonderful, but it has also highlighted some of the battlescars one may encounter after going through a divorce. I'm much more self-aware now than I was when I was married thanks to a wonderful therapist, so I've been able to notice these things, address them and do my best not to project them onto future partners. But behind closed doors these issues have been coming up left and right. I've noticed my anxious attachment style attempt to become activated and overthinking a lot of messages and things I did or didn't do. Being in a bad marriage I also have noticed an underlying distrust for what's said on the surface vs what's actually going on in reality. I'm trying not to read into things too much, but also don't want to overlook something important or get the wrong idea. I've also learned to become more vulnerable and openly communicate things, but that's something that not everybody is apparently used to in today's dating world. In my messages with this woman I've tried to show continued interest but not necessarily come on too strong or throw it all out there too early, although I know that can be a fine line to manage and it can be difficult to determine if/when it has been crossed. And let's not forget the attempt to transition to some level of physical intimacy, I wouldn't mind getting there at some point but I now have a hard time pushing things too hard in that direction for a fear of rejection or making her uncomfortable. After facing so much rejection at the end of the marriage and made to feel worthless, it's tough to feel like somebody might actually see you in that positive light again.

Dating in today's day and age is much different than it was when I was last on the market. There are so many unhealed and bad actors out there that the distrust when somebody decent comes along is almost toxic in itself. The total narrative has changed, both for the better and worse. It's all new to me and something that will definitely be keeping my personal growth journey, and my therapist, very busy for the foreseeable future. I'm not going to stop dating or let these traumas and wounds get in the way, but it definitely adds another level of difficulty to an already complex process.

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