First shroom trip

I ate the shrooms with blackberries while fasting. I started coloring & felt an instant emptiness. anxiety was creeping up & I started to feel deeply alone. my bf was coloring with me. I felt confusion, then I felt super uncomfortable, my legs and vaginal area were very tingly & i felt a lot of shaky pain. Those areas wouldn’t stop shaking. I then went into the fatal position & felt like crying and id cried, but then I’d tell myself to stop because the emotions felt fake. I didn’t want to cry. But I did so I was confused. I kept feeling guilt and anxiety, I kept seeing my bf as a little kid and seeing the room like a childhood room, it seemed to be a little cousins room but I wasn’t sure. I saw my bf as a little kid, like I took advantage of him. I felt like an abuser I kept asking him for help, and he the way he responded to me made me feel disgusted at him. ( he was peaking too) like I wanted someone to help us I wanted someone to save me, I wanted God to save me. I knew he was there but he wasn’t doing anything to help me. I kept telling my bf this was too much and I regretted taking it but I knew he was tripping too so I felt I couldn’t trust him. he was just a little kid to me and I felt like an adult but a child at the same time. it was like I was living a fantasy I knew it was abuse. deep down I knew these feelings felt familiar. I told my bf “idk what’s going on I can’t tell you” and he said yes you can I’m just a human like you. I felt so much guilt, i wanted to kill myself. at some point i saw him as a toy. then I kept saying Idk if I want you to leave or stay & he said I can leave or stay but I then told him no, it’s deeper than that. It was like another version of me was next to me, telling me “I can help you, please stop rejecting me” I realized I was rejecting myself. I then told him Nobody can help me. Only I can help me. I told him to leave the room. When he left i felt weight off me. I felt like I had time to understand what was happening. I started with holding my hand, then touching myself. My legs, my arms, giving myself a hug. I then pulled the pillow over & tucked myself in. it was very brave of me, I felt safe. I heard Mexican music playing outside because there was a party going on & it made me smile. The moon was shining in. It reminded me of when all the times I was abused or abusive and life was deeply painful. Nobody was there to pick me up but myself. It was always me & I was the strongest person I can reach out for help. I then smiled and listened to the music I felt as if God was there & I felt like a proud grandmother when I heard the music in the distance, like if I was proud of throwing a party with a huge family. Like I was proud of the music I wrote. I had to start talking to myself and make myself laugh. Give my feet love & just being sillly like a kid. I found myself and I was so fucking happy again. I then went outside to the living room and told my bf hi & to come back to the room. (He was stuck and having a rough time alone) he said I saved him with my happiness. We then watched a nature show and started acting silly and laughing alot & simply talking. It was beautiful. I felt a deep connection with him & I felt so in love. Real love. My bf and I then started to watch life on planet & I felt so amazed. I felt God, like I truly knew that I’ll never understand God he is a whole other level and it’s fucking beautiful. I loved God so much, he created the beauty of earth, the ocean, dinosaurs and honestly all animals and humans .it was all so majestic to me I felt so cozy in bed just learning about evolution. I now live with loving being sober & my circumstances & really grateful I felt God & now have a connection forever. After analyzing sober, my bf and I discussed that to be able to forgive being sexually abused or abused in any way, I had to accept the abuser. That was hard, but it helped me forgive accepting that I am the abuser as well.