[TW: abuse] Is it possible that I'm non-binary because of my fear/hatred towards men?

20 yo enby who was AMAB

All the men that are supposed to be my masculine mentor figures were just unbelievable assholes

My dad physically and psychologically abused me, my mother, and my sister. He was literally racist, constantly told me that women are garbage, had some superiority complex powered by some quasi religious shit (while also being the lonely wolf with no actual friends), had some creepy habit to bite and lick my face and casually discuss my genitals. He spanked me, insulted me, neglected my needs, yelled at me for no reason. My parents divorced when I was 6 and oh boy I hated him since I was 4 or something

My second supposed masculine role model was my maternal grandfather. Unlike my father, he didn't physically abuse me. Well, only when he was really angry and I was adult enough to talk back. He's just the most pathetic person I know. Egocentric yet with zero self esteem. Needs constant validation to not think of himself as a total failure. He liked to self affirm by belittling me and my little brother. It was, like, really bad for my psyche. His voice in my head still makes fun of me when I make a mistake or set boundaries with someone

My teenage peers were also a source of my disdain for men. And two of my boyfriends. But it really doesn't matter after all the abuse I got at the hands of my relatives

I clearly remember I avoided acting ‘like a man’ as a child despite its social prestige. And when I hit puberty seeing the development of facial and body hair, getting boysmell, and hearing my voice dropping was terrifying

I have little to no body dysphoria except for the hairline, body and facial hair, and hooded eyes. The main source of my dysphoria is social interaction. It's almost painful sometimes to hear someone talk to me using he/him. I hate being with other men. I hate getting compliments about my ‘male’ features

And I'm afraid of men. Sometimes the fear becomes hate, and I also hate them! Even though on a rational level I understand what is what, emotionally I perceive men as violent and harmful to me and other non-male people. Especially when it's about building a trustworthy relationship

So, uh, to me it seems possible that I'm non-binary because of trauma. I just can't think of myself as a man and choose something else instead. It is... Okay. But I also feel excluded from non-binary circles since my experience about gender seems to be different from other people's

Thank you for listening to my rant. I mainly wrote this to sort myself but would like to hear what you're saying