mixed feelings, do i stay or go?

I (27F) have been browsing through all the posts on this community looking for advice for a little over a month now (2nd DDay was on the 14th of Sept.) and I've been trying to think of what I personally want to do about my situation but am still coming up short.

The backstory:

Me and my partner (28M) have been together for over 8 years now, we met at university and he was my first everything, as I had never dated or even kissed anyone when we got together. We each have our own issues yes, I started drinking more during the pandemic as I was working in LTC when the virus first came and many people in my facility died, and he admits that he's addicted to video games and the computer.

The first Dday was two years ago, I found out he was talking to another girl and flirting over text and we worked to get past it, he apologized etc. We ended up having to move into his parent's place 3 months later due to financial issues.

He ended up finding a job six hours away and had to move while I was still living with his parents to finish my degree, but we talked every day and I had no idea that he was so unhappy, in general and with my drinking. He said he tried to talk to me about it before, but I didn't listen. I also understand that a relationship goes both ways, and yes I should have cut back when I started getting more verbally aggressive - but I didn't remember what I said to him the morning after.

Another issue is having kids and just being an adult, he doesn't do anything around the house and I have to mentally do everything and keep track of things, he can barely get up for work by himself and forgets appointments etc. I think about having kids with him and can picture a future together, but I know that everything is going to be left up to me, or at least that's what it feels like. I get anxious thinking about being a mom because I feel like I'm not going to have the energy to do it and I'm not going to have support, which I think is fair. His mother was also a stay-at-home mom, which there's nothing wrong with, but he never learned to do anything for himself, and admitted that he would love for me to do that as well - but when do I get treated well? Like the extra things, the things you do to put in effort in a relationship and keep the magic alive. He used to do those things in the beginning but they stopped a few years ago. My extra nice things switched to keeping things good around the apartment we lived in together, and then the house he bought when he moved for his job. We've both admitted that we've come to resent each other a little bit and that we both have things we need to change. (i haven't drank in almost a month now, woo!)

I wish he would have given me an ultimatum years ago in a sense, because it might have improved things. However, there was a series of choices he made to sleep with another woman behind my back which makes my blood boil (this was around April-May of 2023).

I've also had a lot of shit happen the past three months: I finished nursing school and my last clinical, got into a car accident, my mum and stepdad had to put the dog down and my grandfather died and I got covid for the 3rd time which has been causing me issues as well.

We've been through so much together, I still love him so much and the thought of leaving him is like a stake in the chest. I just feel like I have this picture of him in my head that I want him to be and I don't know/do know that it's not fair to him, and it's not fair to me because I feel like I deserve more? Or at least the minimum? Given that he's done it twice, and was intending to again, I know that I'll never trust him completely in that way ever again, and makes me question what's the point in staying?

He's been my best friend for a long time, and I don't really have any other friends with that sort of emotional connection, which is part of why I think I'm scared of leaving for good, plus my current financial situation and the fact that I could only pack up half my stuff I moved into the house before bawling my eyes out every thirty minutes. He's apologized again, and said that he's sorry and committed to changing, but I know that the house is probably a mess right now, and he's barely getting his work done.

All in all, I have no idea what to do! Any thoughts would be appreciated!

​