Not being there for hospice

My partner’s mother just passed away in hospice after a battle with cancer. She and I weren’t very close and we had some minor arguments over stupid things over the years. There’s some layers to it, like she wasn’t super excited at first that we are in a gay relationship. I was always included for holidays and everything but we didn’t really talk outside of that.

My partner was able to be there with her the entire time she was in hospice and was there for her passing. I guess I feel guilty that I mostly feel sad for him and not so much her passing.

I didn’t reach out to her when she was put on hospice or when she started declining this summer. I’m not sure it would have been welcomed? I didn’t want to intrude. I also feel wrong that I wasn’t able to help him out with the logistics of caring for someone who was dying. I guess the last few days were difficult for her and he didn’t sleep much because he was busy managing her pain.

I made the trip to her house after she died to help with the funeral and her estate but it feels sort of cowardly and strange to have not at least reached out while she was alive, and now it’s too late. I feel guilty for being a little relieved that it’s all over