giving up s*x in order to get a (stable) relationship?

I did a writeup before about "women play at sex for love, while men play at love for sex". I'll try my best to exhaust my thoughts or feelings on this again because i feel like this is something that speaks much of my being as a whole.

I won't disclose my body count, and i guess it's not that much.. but the thought of me giving it or doing it with the men i am or have been attracted to makes me think that the reciprocation of it would be us getting to know each other more and them feeling the same towards me at least. (Disclaimer: i go for a stick to one encounters; however, i have just generalized the terms 'doing it with men' & 'them feeling the same towards me.' Idk why i had to explain that lol)

Moving on, of course it's already given that you do the deed with the person because you're attracted to them, period. However, on my end, or i'm not sure if other women out there feel the same sentiment, but on my end, i am attracted not only on the deed itself. I am attracted and attracting as well the factors of maybe there could be something i could look forward to -- which would be us stepping up the game.

In tagalog, baka pag binigay ko, yun ang maging paraan para magustuhan ako pabalik.

Many times i try to ask myself, 'do i get validation of love through sex or any minimal acts leading to it at least?'. I remember giving up my virginity for the first time -- the guy knew i liked him, and i thought he was also feeling the same way for me. And so when we talked about sex, i thought he'd be respectful enough to understand that i didn't wanna give it up just yet, but he forced me anyway into doing it so with him. On my mind, maybe this is his way of showing that he's attracted to me, or that he likes me back. And so i kept on saying yes on his invitations. It happened for another 4 times i guess before i finally realized that he was doing it or making me believe that he feels the same way towards me just to get pleasure for himself and not because he was on the same level of emotions with mine. ("Men play at love for sex")

From then on, i think that was one of the many reasons why i feel like giving it up that easily; which was to test the waters. If it works, thank you and of course i'll get a grip of it. But if not, 'thank you, next' maybe? Just kidding.

BUT THEN AGAIN.. you ever feel that clash of being able to meet someone and then everything's turning out so well but you're too embarrassed to open up about your sexual history because you think that it's a huge factor for the other person to know and judge you that quick like 'oh so you've been sleeping around with a lot of men' stuff like that?? Because that's what i feel.

Sometimes i just wanna stop hoe-ing around. Maybe this way, i'll find someone who would genuinely like me back regardless of how dirty my past is. I feel like i'm out here hoe-ing around because i want a (stable) relationship. I know y'all come right at me telling me "then cut the act and do normal stuff".

I just had to get this off my chest because i've been overthinking it lately. I wanted to have someone completely permanent by my side, but how do i do so if i'm almost always attracted to the ones who either treat me less than what i deserve or have issues why we can't be together. And i'm out here exerting the effort of making him stay and want me which involves giving up sex again because i think or i know that this is what they want and could maybe be a starter for what we could be in the future.

I'm speaking so lowly of myself, i know. Blah. That's just about it though.