Nsfw will strip you of respect forever, you will never be redeemed

We don’t get graped, we get “shoplifted”. We are meant to get “sucked, fucked, and beaten down” for the sake of the John (quote from a prior subscriber). They are paying clients and we must put out customer service. Part of me feels this is wrong, but this is how I was treated in my own experience. I’ve done a lot of NSFW: camming, lewd cosplay, escort, stripping, selling used undergarments, private pays, and a few videos made with other sex workers. I helped create what Only Fans is today. I helped create this awful world for young girls and broken women, lost boys, and shattered men.

I want to stop thinking in such a misogynistic way of female sex workers however, I cannot set my own bias and personal experience aside. I know some people are forced into it. Knowing about traffic victims makes me more disgusted and unforgivable. I glorified a dangerous and trashy industry that supports sex trafficking. How do you have respect for clowns who willingly go into an industry that supports that? I sure don't. But at the same time, I felt cornered to join. I ran away from an abusive home at 17, I needed money for rent and food. Sex work loves taking advantage of those who are disadvantaged. I have ZERO respect for people who support that. And that is me. I have no respect for myself because I supported that industry. The situation I was in was an excuse. It’s all I knew, but that doesn’t change it’s still an excuse.

I’m that person your husband had an affair with behind your back. Those who have been cheated on know…just because you and your spouse moved forward doesn’t mean there isn’t pain. I am a living reminder for spouses and couples who have suffered through porn addiction and physical/emotional affairs. I am your forever reminder that your spouse was never fully loyal to you and they craved me and paid for me, over you. I find this unforgivable. You shouldn’t forgive sex workers who baited your spouse. It’s a two-way street - neither I nor your spouse should have been going behind your back, but sex workers are responsible for their actions, like everyone else. When the client says they’re cheating, we don’t care, we welcome their debit and credit cards on behalf of your relationship. Your marriage problems are a boon for sex workers.

I’m struggling between the facts of sex work and my experience. I know I’m projecting. I am projecting myself onto other sex workers. I don’t know their situations or if they’re doing it against their will. That’s why I feel repulsive that I am judging every female sex worker as if they were in my shoes. I have no idea what male sex workers go through, but I could imagine roughly the same fates as female sex workers. I know not every sex worker had my demise. In 2010, sex work wasn’t an everyday conversation, TikTok didn’t exist, I’m pretty sure Craigslist and Backpage escort services were still around and you didn’t have to pay for online memberships for any NSFW site as an undergarment seller. Now, you do. It’s much more common to do sex work and probably not as lucrative for the average Jane. Sex work was much more secretive and hush-hush years ago, thus those Johns could get away with more heinous behavior than they do now. Cancel culture or calling someone out is much more dangerous today than it was 10 years ago. Plus girls today are not as self-conscious as letting the world know their sex websites. That’s what I’ve noticed. Maybe I’m just a boomer at sex work. “Back in my day, we had to snail mail used panties!” “okay gilfma, let's get you to bed.” (humor not going very well today, ladies).

They say your past doesn’t define you, but it does. It shapes you and you carry that burden/grief/experience with you forever. People will remember you for your misdeeds more than your accomplishments. An example is my coworker who was a prior meth head and alcoholic. She lost her kid, stole wires and parts from cars, and generally was a piece of shit. Although she’s been clean for 5 years, does NA religiously, a great co-worker, loves her kid, she’s still seen and remembered as an addict.

It’s been over 10 years and seeing my shit reuploaded sucks. I’ve done all I can legally. However, it’s not enough. Seeing hurtful and hateful posts on Reddit, how I’m grapeable after beating up until I pass out on 4chan, or Huffington and Kotaku articles laughing at my trauma and antagonizing my abuse reminds me of who I’m remembered as. I will always be a prior sex worker and those experiences will follow me everywhere. My healing and redemption don’t matter. My past defines me.

Forgiveness is earned. I haven’t earned anything. Just because I changed my life around for the better and used my mistakes to be a better person isn’t enough. And sometimes it’s not. It’s like I want my cake and to eat it too. But that’s not how life works. Just because I’m doing better now will not negate or ever my past. Sometimes mistakes are permanent. I hurt a lot of people.

Apologies are no longer valid from my cock eating whore mouth. Fuck ups like me can only prove to themselves with actions. No more words, those chances are over. And this might apply to some of you. I went to k-12 with a level 3 sex offender. Graped kids in middle school. Got his record expunged. Dude hmu asking about cam stuff and cosplay years later after I stopped sex work.

When I quit the nsfw life, I chose to disappear completely. I turned my life around, got a career, and found hobbies that brought me organic joy. I started to learn to draw. Rather than make stupid lewd cosplay, I chose to start drawing my favorite characters. I was proud of myself and I let that get to my head - I created a social media using my stage name and also announcing that I made a mistake and no longer do that stuff. I was so frustrated that I turned my life around. I didn’t have thousands of followers as I did, I had nothing but thirsty DM messages asking for my OF link. I will never be seen as someone who changed. This spoke to me that we will always be remembered for our past no matter what we do.

I am truly sorry and my heart goes out to people who have dealt with the trauma of trafficking, sex abuse, cheating, lying, addiction, and all the heinous bullshit sex work has done to people. The embarrassment, shame, and disappointment I have within myself fills me with grief, agony, and personal resentment of everything about me. You all probably think I’m full of shit, and that is okay. I will reap what I sow.

My values are that sex work is trashy and my boundary is I don’t want to associate with people who do that. I go against my values and boundaries, I am uncomfortable with myself and I have no reason to forgive such inappropriate, abhorrent, and nauseating types of behavior. Not everyone deserves forgiveness and that includes you and I.