Venting, need a reality check

I’m 31MTF. My ex and I have 3 kids and we did Halloween together.

It was my first year dressing in a feminine costume. We had a theme (we were all Mario characters) so I chose a female character instead of a male one.

But also I’m still closeted so I didn’t do a fem voice, I just basically played it off as a goofy dad dressing up as a female character.

We went trick or treating with the kiddos. It was fun overall but there were definitely judgmental stares and snickers.

After getting a decent plunder we went back home and sat on the porch to hand out candy to other trick or treaters. I was still in my costume as we sat out there.

As before, there were some people who were judgmental. They shooed their kids by our house. It really disappointed our daughter who was super excited to hand out candy.

My ex asked me to change out of my costume because I was weirding out the trick or treaters, and more would come by if I changed. That really stung.

I was pretty hurt by it. My ex knows I’m trans and I was really excited to finally dress as a girl for Halloween. I took a long time (10-15 minutes) to get out of my costume because I was just so taken aback by it.

After we got the kids to bed, I told her how I felt. She got upset and said that she didn’t want my transition to hurt our kids. She didn’t want them to be ostracized and bullied because of who I am. How the trick or treaters reacted today was an example of that.

She also was upset that, after she made the comment, I was pouting around inside the house instead of coming back out to be with the kids and hand out candy.

I told her I agreed and the last thing I want is for our kids to be bullied. But at the same time what is the solution? I’m still closeted, but I have to come out eventually. And that we’d have to show the kids that not everyone is kind; some won’t accept you for who you are.

She got more upset and said I was only thinking about myself and not our kids.

I am trying to see where she’s coming from and I totally get that my transition could paint a target on my kids’ backs. But I’m still pretty upset about what she said. We live in a very progressive area already. And it’s not like I chose to be trans.

I guess I just need a reality check. Is it wrong for me to be upset about this? Am I being selfish? What IS the solution?

And also, for any parents of school-age children, how did your kids take it? Did it affect their school? Did they get bullied? Do you have any advice for coming out, and dealing with bullying, or anything like that?