My boss berated me and my character for an hour because she sent an insulting message about me to the wrong group chat and I saw it.

This is a long one, I will try to cut it short. Also on mobile, forgive me for any errors or mistakes.

I (28F) have been working at my current company for 9 months. I am a very easy going person, and I don’t like conflict of any kind. A lot of people have told me I’m very kind and a happy person. If I have a problem, I address it in a professional manner and try to do what I can to make things easier for others. Communication is really important to me. If I don’t understand something, I ask. Simple as that.

Yesterday while in the office, two of my coworkers and I were trying to split up some work, like our boss had asked of us. There was some confusion on the assignment, and my boss (60ishF) overheard, and butted in and started getting frustrated with all of us because we were not all on the same page. I knew what needed to be done and I was trying to clarify that with my coworkers, but she kept interrupting me and telling me I didn’t understand. I reassured her that I did. She storms off, we sort it all out.

I leave to go to the bathroom and I see a notification pop up that she sent a message to our main group chat. I caught my name and I clicked on the notification, and it was gone before I could see what the rest said. But what I did read, was not nice.

“I think BumpusDumpus is getting frustrated with the way I'm spelling things out for all three of them. Lol. She likes to be the one who spells things out so...”

I couldn’t read the rest because that was what was visible to me in the message preview. I don’t know what else she said. I sit with this information for about 10 minutes. Just thinking of what I should do, and I decided to confront her, but in a professional manner. I go in and ask if we can talk, and she said sure. I tell her that I saw the message, and I was taken aback and hurt by her message, because I didn’t understand where this was coming from I asked if she could explain to me what went wrong.

She played dumb and she tried gaslighting me into thinking I didn’t see it. I told her I sure did. She told me that she meant to send that message to our HR representative and she was just venting her frustrations to her. She didn’t mean for me to see it, and it was “an honest mistake”. She said she talks to our HR rep often about all of us and complained to her about stuff we say or do. I ask her to explain how she came to this conclusion that “I like to spell things out.”

She said that I was frustrated with her because she was telling us what to do, and she felt like I wanted to take control of the situation because “I like to have the last word” and that I didn’t really know what I was talking about regarding this project we were doing. I informed her very quickly she was very wrong and misconstrued this entirely. I was frustrated because everyone was talking all at once and we couldn’t get on the same page. It did not cross my mind at all that I had to have any say in the matter or how it was done, I just want to know what I need to do, and in order to do that, we need to talk about it. After explaining that, she then tells me that I’m a “know it all” and that I talk too much and it really annoys her. I tell her that I don’t appreciate that, and it was uncalled for. She tries to justify it by saying a lot of people comment to her that I talk way too much, even her husband when he listens in on our zoom calls, and I over explain things in great detail, so it makes others feel that I think they are dumb. I was getting really upset at this point, but I didn’t show it on my face or in my voice. I ask her to give me an example of a specific time and she was like “Oh I can’t think of anything right now, but you talk way too much, and I don’t have time for what you have to say.” I explain to her that I have anxiety when I speak and I worry that I can’t get what I want to say across to others, so I can get repetitive, and I was aware of that. I don’t think she believed me, but that’s honestly the truth. I don’t think anyone is dumb, I am just insecure in my ability to communicate my thoughts.

I ask her to come to me when she has a problem, because I have a hard time reading between the lines and I need her to just tell me. She then says “Okay, I will make sure to talk to you before I talk to HR. And I’ll make sure you don’t see any more messages like that again.” Which just means she is still going to talk bad about me.

She then proceeds to tell me a bunch of other stuff that I need to work on and bother her. She then proceeds to tell me I’m not doing enough and I need to work harder and I need to coordinate better with my coworkers, and we need to be more on top of things together. I voice a concern of mine about a coworker of mine who drags his feet in everything that he does. When we have an event, things get done an hour before said event. It is so stressful.

She then says, “That’s because you’re a control freak.” I was so baffled. I said no, I don’t think I am a control freak, I just want to make sure we are all successful, and she said “No, you are a control freak. Just like me. You like things done your way. It’s not your job to make the team look good, it’s mine.” This completely negates what she said just before this! At this point, I’m mad, I’m defeated, I need to leave. She then says, “Again, I’m sorry but I’m not sorry because we got to talk about this.”

I don’t know what there is for me to do, I don’t think I can talk to HR because it feels very unbiased. I think it’s time for a new job. A lot of things have been piling up with red flags, and this just was the cherry on top. I don’t understand why it is so hard to be nice.