I don't really know why, but i can't stop

Hi, i want to apologize for my english, i'm french and i do make a lot of mistakes haha.

I'm 19, and i can't help but throwing up right after i'm finished eating. It's been a year, at first i thought that i had control about it, but i really don't. I've always told myself "yeah, i'll stop tomorrow no need to worry, you know what you're doing", but i was lying to myself aha. I think that, i love the feeling after puking. When you feel completely "clean/new", like a snake that has just molted. But i'm tired : always counting the calories i'm eating, feeling guilty after drinking a soda, refusing to eat something else than salads at a restaurant etc... Even if i look ""fit"", i know that if i keep eating/puiking, i'll get a disease or something like that.

Tonight, i decided that i would never puke on purpose again, i hope i don't flinch... cause' it seems so easy to just restart everything by just puting two fingers in your throat.

That's it, i needed to talk about it but i'm too afraid to share that with my friends or my family. I don't want to disgust them or whatever aha. Thanks for reading that, have a good night/day 🤭