Trying to forgive myself for breaking sobriety

Hi everyone,

I guess I’m just posting here to vent. I’m an alcoholic, but not the kind that drinks daily or even wants to do so daily. I usually “only” drink 2ish nights a week, and the idea of alcohol often repulses me. However, if I’m in the mood to party, I inevitably cross a line where I’m absolutely wasted without meaning to. I’ll tell myself I’m having 3 drinks max and end up having 10.

After a bad blackout 3 months ago, I was ready and decided to try going sober. I also got on a medication youre not supposed to drink heavily on, so it felt like good outside motivation. I did really well not drinking at all for over a month, and then thinking I finally “learned my limit” and how to control my alcohol, so I slowly drank a little more. I mean barely, like one small margarita at dinner with friends, a small glass of wine at a work happy hour.

Last night for Halloween, some friends were going for drinks then out, and I joined. I told myself since I was in control of my alcohol now, I’d just set a 4 drink max for the night. I completely blacked out, spent $150, ditched my friends and walked to another bar 15 min away without telling them, and brought strangers home at 3 am, which woke my roommate up. I woke up 2 of my other friends drunk calling them asking for a ride, and I still don’t know who even brought me home or who the people I brought back were. I had to call into work today and have been throwing up, achy, and having major anxiety all day.

I guess I’m just posting here to vent because I’m too embarrassed to talk about it with friends. I’m trying to play it off like just a bad night but I’m so frustrated with myself that I was doing so well and then trashed it because I thought I could handle it. Feeling really stupid that I was so dangerous by having hours blacked out alone. Also just feeling overwhelmed trying to picture how to move forward and stick to not drinking. I’m single in my mid 20s and love being social, so bars/clubbing is a huge part of my life and quitting drinking means having to reroute all that