Always Angry?

Half the time I spend awake, I am angry. The reason I believe this happens is because I had parents, and peers who would always find to put me down, even when they were not intending to. I had a dad who told me I was not a "likeable" person, even though I would generally end up being liked by people who I interacted with, along with friends that would call me an "autist" because I somehow failed to grasp social norms that other people seem to understand, and now I feel like I have an extremely low self-esteem, and I do not feel like I am worth other people's time. If people throughout my entire childhood have called me out on my weirdness, then am I really capable of change if it's the vast majority of what I've been told throughout my life? How do I act normal when I keep going into "rage mode" over the intrusive thoughts of what my parents and peers have told me throughout my entire life? There are only three emotions I feel: happiness (when on drugs, like right now), sadness, and anger. Now it may seem like I am blaming my parents for the way I ended up, which is probably partially true because I am a college aged student who quite frankly should have fixed his shit by now, however, goddamn. Everyone in my life has ridiculed me. I've been called ugly, dumb, and worthless throughout my childhood and teenage years, and now in every single interaction I have, there is a mental sticky note in the back of my mind reminding me that I am those things. I'm 20, never had a girlfriend, and only has ever had two friends. How do I overcome this? Although I have had therapy, I have never truly spoken to them about just how close I am to the end of the line. Why is it that some days, I feel an overinflated sense of ego, like I am a god, and other days I just want to kms? I exercise a lot, and get all my nutrients, and although I do have good moments (sometimes, really good almost as if I'm high even though I did not take anything), other times I feel REALLY bad, as if I am a worthless waste of oxygen incapable of change, so I might as well end it. I have always been told "That's just the way life is!" Well in that case, let me end it all because life is shit. I do not give a flying fuck that I'm supposed to be "smart" (that's just what my teachers have told me). Even if hypothetically, I actually am a very smart person, which I do not believe that I am, then guess what? I still hate myself. What is the point of being able to do the homework slightly faster than other people when I am stuck alone in my room all day, feeling like an alien because of how much I cannot relate to other people?

At the end of the day, I have always felt INCREDIBLY unstable. One moment wanting to kill myself, then the next feeling extremely good. The therapist diagnosed me with dysthymia, and Is apparently supposed to be a chronic "feeling down," however, idk man, maybe it is just my mindset, but what is even the point of living if I am feeling THIS BADLY, and this is one of the more minor forms of mental illness out there. There is so much rage bottled up, that I cannot even describe my day to day thoughts.