17 years of depression and anxiety and im extremely exhausted

my mom told me that when i was 8, i would scream "mom i really want to die" and it crushed her. 17 years later and i still havent found peace in my mind despite trying everything. therapy, all kinds of antidepressants, trying to get outside meeting people and hitting the gym(although that does help a bit). ive had 3 psychiatrists and the last one genuinely had no clue why i dont respond well to any treatment, so she slapped the aspergers diagnosis on me and called it a day. didnt even test me. i feel so fucking alone all the time even when i have people around me. its a different kind of loneliness that i just cant explain. my previous relationship broke me even further. she had borderline personality disorder. tons of trauma, abuse...she told me i was her last shot of healthy love and if we failed, she would end up dating old men for money. i completely forgot and neglected myself trying to save her. i thought that if i loved her the right way, everything would be okay. she werent good to me but i still feel like i failed her and myself.

i dont know what to do. i feel so fucking lost