A set of poems about my bipolar disorder

Poems

VULNERABLE vulnerable written across my forehead, man after man making me me wish i was dead, people taking advantage left, right and centre, the girl i once was was dying, i just wish someone had prevented her, free this, free that, free help and a free place to stay, others always getting their own way, blood dripping from her legs, too much has been taken, but if you think she gave you all of this in her right mind, you are deeply mistaken sectioned, detained, mental health act, yet again all because the men and other miscellaneous couldn’t abstain, i hope you’re proud of yourselves, you should feel shame but there i am feeling all what everyone who hurt me should be, and i don’t intend on sounding like it’s all “me, me, me” but consider others, consider their feelings, because for all you know, you could be doing the opposite of healing…

HALLOWEEN 2023 neurodivergent and mentally ill, physically fucked, just here still, feeling pain, both in the body and head, the doctors constantly screaming “just go ahead!”, when the needle comes out, i’m crying, losing my mind, but it’s okay, i lost that a long time ago, i’m behind once having dreams of becoming a doctor, except now the doctors have become the concoctors, drug after drug, pill after pill, jab after jab, it’s all sending me fucking mad despite knowing it’s bad i miss the days of drug abuse, when in reality i don’t want to use, to make it all go away, i’m desperate for a dab but really i just want to get outside and call for a cab, but the problem lies there, you can’t run away from your own head, maybe i should just hide under the covers in my bed…

SUICIDE my life has been saved again, i can’t help but get away from my stupid birdbrain, i don’t want to be here anymore, my life flashing before my eyes, everything from grief to being on the dance floor, i’m exhausted and my soul aches, i dream of walking into a deep lake, letting go is a beautiful dream and goal of mine, but when i speak i feel as though it just sounds like i whine, hiding under my covers doesn’t even bring me solace, everything in my life feels entirely aweless, i just wish i could numb my tired brain, “perk up, just be happy”, “i’m okay”, i say to feign, a deep sense of calm washes over me with the rope tied, but yet again it is cut, and i just cry, wishing i had died nobody has ever come back to tell us what’s on the other side but i can tell you it’s better than what i’ve got as it stands, i will meet again with those who i lost, and my soul will expand, everything will be okay when i come with them, i have been promised by the spirits that i hear, my time is near…

DISORDERED my bladder spasmed by the medications i take, oh, what a beautiful mess the doctors have made, another pill for another pill and yet again another pill for another pill, jesus christ, lord above, what the hell? my body and i really have been through the mill fibromyalgia troubling my nerves, it doesn’t help that i have more than just curves, the fatigue and exhaustion that chronic pain makes, along with constant and consistent painful aches, pregabalin making a hunger like never before, i need it for my pain but i just want to eat more and more, weight gain making the numbers on the scales shoot up but me spiral down, must make myself vomit, mustn’t make a sound, my periods putting me in such agony i can’t walk, sometimes through the tears i can’t even talk, add that on top of an irritable bowel, it’s enough to make anyone make painful growls, disabled, unable to even carry a child, oh, believe me when i tell you my life has been wild, a congenital joint condition hurting me since i was a kid, i really wish my body would just learn how to put a lid on it, stretchy skin and flexible joints, it just get worse, point by point, a misdiagnosis of a completely different disorder, it took years to finally get things in order, different disorder equates to different treatment, all in which could have resulted in bereavement, but after gaining the correct diagnosis, and having the recognition of bipolar and psychosis, the ups and downs have still been relentless, and they have left me feeling fucking helpless, i can’t even keep a tidy room for gods sake, i lose everything, i’d lose my organs if they weren’t opaque, sitting inside me are my organs, thank god because of course i’d lose them as i’m a silly sod, they give this a four letter acronym, another diagnosis ADHD they call it, but i call it neurosis, had i have been diagnosed at a much younger age, i know my life would’ve been easier, i’m in that rage stage and to top it all off i have completely flat feet, thus, with the way the spirits talk to me, i can’t wait for us to meet

THE JOURNEY why hello there, i am the face of contentment, in order to see my beautiful face, you’re going to have to make a lot of amendments, think of it like a pilgrimage, except less peaceful and this is one you’ve done before, it’s not going to be pretty, nor has it been prior, in fact, maybe, this time it’s even more of a war, this journey is going to be long and enduring, with psychosis causing things thoughts and feelings to become quite obscuring, you will stand in the fire that will cremate your brain, and thus, your depression shall bring you a great deal of pain, but whilst the psychosis continues to obscure, the mania will continue to allure, and yet, that is not true life, being locked up as if you have committed a crime. but don’t worry yourself, one day you will have completed your time, and you will see my face again, as long as you are better, it doesn’t matter when. .