Struggling to cope with, not willing to leave.

I [31 HLM] and my wife [30 LLF] have been together for 10 years, and we’ve been married for 3 years. In the early years of our relationship, our sexual frequency was quite good, although the quality of sex wasn’t exceptional, it was still satisfying for both of us. As the years went by, the frequency of sexual intimacy decreased, but it was still acceptable for me (3-5 times a week, then biweekly, then monthly). For the past 2 years, it has become challenging for me as the frequency has reduced to every 2-3 months.

I’ve been receiving therapy from a psychologist for major depression for the past year. (Also time to time medication) Talking to my spouse about this issue has been difficult, and we haven’t made much progress. My wife believes it’s normal, attributes it to our age, thinks my desired frequency are excessive, and is preoccupied with her own life and work-related stress, downplaying the importance of our dead bedroom situation. She has even mentioned that she considers me to be somewhat perverse.

I’ve acknowledge she passed hard processes. It should not lead to give up sex even in good times.

Given the choice between divorce and continuing the marriage under these circumstances, I’ve chosen the latter because I love her deeply, enjoy spending time with her, and value the affection, companionship, and friendship we share. The problem lies in the fact that when I try to initiate any sexual contact with my spouse, I receive negative reactions. We kiss every day, cuddle, hold hands, and there is physical contact, yet after all this closeness, she doesn’t engage in sexual activities, and I find myself avoiding any actions that might lead to intimacy because she will be angry.

Additionally, my wife disapproves of masturbation and pornography, viewing them as a form of infidelity and partially perverted. There are times when I’ve abstained for long periods, and it has become increasingly challenging for me. Being so emotionally close to her while feeling so distant is suffocating me. After my wife falls asleep, I distance myself from her with pain and misery, and I experience sleeplessness, loss of appetite, and sometimes turn to alcohol. Although I don’t contemplate suicide, I sometimes wish not to be alive.

For a long time, I blamed myself. I wasn’t very overweight to begin with, yet I still lost weight rapidly. I already handle most of the household chores like cleaning and cooking. We don’t have any children, our financial situation is sufficient, and we go on vacation every 2-3 months. I mention these not to boast but as common reasons. I take good care of my spouse because I love them. Yet none is resolve the issue.

I want to thank this group; at least, feeling like I’m not alone helps ease my pain a bit.