I converted to the Klingon faith. Now I’m headed to Gre’Thor. Help?

A little background, yes I am a rich human kid (dad owns a shipyard outside of Federation space because he loves money). Got bored and started checking out religions. Klingon sounded cool so I converted (still not sure what it is called, but I know Kahless is a big part). Got the double penis implant and got both of them circumcised. Looking back (I was drunk at the time) I’m not sure that was really necessary as the Klingon Doctor and his friends were laughing the whole time.

So, now I’m slowly bleeding to death. A Klingon ripped off my arm, beat me with it and left me to die. I heard somewhere that counts as dying by my own hand.

I have managed to use my weapon to partly cauterize the wound, but it is just a matter of time and everyone just keeps passing by and laughing. So, if anyone happens to be nearby and can help me with some Hegh’Bat that would be great. One Klingon dude (some name with a K and an apostrophe),said this one half Klingon chick actually went to Gre’Thor. I did not like what I heard. And I would have never joined if I knew it was real. Those crazy time monks were bad enough.

So yeah, I’m ready to go if anyone is nearby. My luck, this message travels through a time ribbon or something and starts a war or ends up in some ancient message board. So, if anyone in the past gets this and wants to pass it down the old genetic line, that would be great too. Haha. If it starts a war in some distant alien planet, sorry. My bad.

Oh, I feel the life draining better hurry and tell where I am. I’m on the third moon of