does it help?

Does it help to get off about it? I never have before this last month but for some reason I've been thinking about it a lot lately and getting turned on.

tw graphic description-----

When I was an infant, my mom used to push needles into my feet to make sure I was still alive because I would wake up and cry. my dad ended up locking her out of my room because she would do this so much. to this day I have a horrible fear of needles but I still get turned on by the idea of tortuous sexual needle play. the reason I know that this happened is because she told me. her tone when describing it was light, like she was telling me a funny joke or a funny ritual we had shared.

she rubbed poop into my face in a grocery store bathroom and made me look at myself in the mirror after. I got emdr for this but it didn't work, I think because at this point she had been abusing my sister and I for years so I really felt nothing when I was standing there because I knew if I panicked she'd just get worse.

One of my first memories is of being on her hairy crotch in the bathtub. my sister was on the other side of the bathroom facing us. my sister would have been like, 5?

I will tell the other needles stories later.

I will tell the incest stories later.

I will tell the story about her cutting off a piece of my ear later.

she would scream at my sister and beat her and then they would each tell me that it hadn't happened. my sister is still close to my mom and will crawl up in her lap and snuggle her (my sister is over 40 now).

my question is, I find this uncomfortably arousing. I haven't really ever thought of it but now that I've started really thinking about what happened as abuse, incest, and sadistic, cold-blooded torture.

end tw section-----

for people who have gone through this, is it healthy to get off to it? does it feel good, in the long run? like you as a whole person feel like it's bringing something positive to your experience? I can't talk to my therapist about it because it makes me so horny and she's not specifically a trauma therapist that would understand. I feel so alone.