I fantasize about having lived a completely different life and dying tragically young

I often wish I'd been born tragically beautiful, just naturally gorgeous but condemned by that fact to a life of hardship. I imagine getting involved in the party scene at a young age, growing up too fast, and dying of an overdose or at my own hands at maybe 17, 21 at the latest, a flame that burned bright but fast. Instead I'm turning 22 in mere days feeling more disappointed with my life of absolute mediocrity than ever. I never partied in high school, I graduate college this year and despite a deep desire to make the most of my college years at least I haven't at all. Experimenting with drugs now feels like that's something most people got out of their system years ago, it's embarrassing to still be wanting to make bad decisions when my brain is more developed now. Thinking about living a whole life until 80 or whenever is exhausting, it's not like I've made the most of what where supposed to be the best years of my life, and decades more of just complete neutrality sounds depressing. And I know I can take my life into my own hands, find my own joy and excitement, but haven't I been trying all this time? I'm just not that kind of person