One of my teen daughter’s classmates died last night. Need some advice.

Hi dads,

My daughter is 17, and one of her classmates died last night (we don’t know how yet; the teachers were informed today and one accidentally let slip to my daughter, who has kept it to herself besides telling me).

She wasn’t particularly close friends with this girl, but they’re in the same program together, so they’ve shared several classes over the years and worked closely together. That had a bit of a rivalry going on, but nothing major (no bullying or real meanness on either side). My daughter’s father died when she was 3, and I haven’t spoken to my dad in over ten years, so I wanted to get your perspectives on this. I talked to her a bit today and plan to talk to her more tomorrow.

A few things:

1. She feels guilty for “talking shit” on this girl (to me, not at school) the day before she died. I’ve talked to her about death not making us saints, but she tends to carry things with her, and I’m afraid she’s going to latch on to these feelings and carry them with her long term. She even feels guilty about “making this about her,” even though she’s only spoken to me about it.

2. I understand why she was asked not to tell anyone today, but it was a heavy burden for her. She was just staying after class to ask her teacher a question, and that teacher received a notification by email that the girl had died and read it out loud without thinking (which I understand—it was a shock). Nonetheless, my daughter felt “weird” not telling her friends (including the girl’s best friend) when they were asking each other if anyone had heard from the girl, if she had answered any texts from anyone, if anyone knew why she was absent, and so on. Now it feels like a secret my daughter had to keep, and she doesn’t feel like she can ever tell anyone she knew before they did, which is somehow making her feel more guilty.

3. I think she may be feeling all of this so heavily because she lost her own father suddenly when she was younger. She has been through grief therapy and has really flourished over the past few years, but I have no doubt that this must bring some of those feelings back. She doesn’t like to speak of him much, so I’m unsure as to whether or not I should bring this up with her.

I’ve talked to her about all of this as a mother, but I really need a dad’s perspective to make sure I’m not going to screw this up. I may fall asleep now that I’ve written this out and gotten the thoughts out of my head, but if I do, please know that I’ll appreciate any advice you have to give. Thank you all.