21M

Hey, 21 male here, (sorry for the english I'm a French), used to have friends but tell them horrible things like "your fault if I die" or threatening them to kms, now I'm alone beacause of that and my addiction to benzodiazepines wich makes me more violent and raw. Now for the college I live alone and can stay in my appartment instead of go to class. That's for the social part

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Now the financial part, I'm addicted to gambling too (especially gambling on sports online), I barely can pay my rent and have to get food in food bank. If anything more comes by like an eventual addiction to energy drinks or alcools I can't afford and be obligated to steal

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I already tried to kms so much that I no longer count, each time I survived at few medications. I'm scarred at nearly every part of my body and I'm asking like "what prevent me from kms tonight by hanging, it's 2 a.m. nobody will find out at time"

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And the best in that is that I've like amnesia of moments where I'm raw et it's like I'm not myself.

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I don't have a goal in life actually so idk but i wanted to say it loud, externalise in some ways. I'm curious to know wath's yours btw.

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P.S. : I already seeing a psychiatrist, an addictologist and a dietician but I still feel like I'm not moving forward. I tried the gym but doesn't work either