Rant/Advice?

For these last few weeks I feel like my life has been extremely stressful in every aspect. I feel like I’m always on the verge of tears and my eyelids are dry and burning from crying so many days in a row.

I (23F) live with my boyfriend (24M) of almost 3 years and am pretty dependent on him which I hate. I moved to his state to be with him after I got into a huge fight with my family about a year and half ago. I live in his house, I work for his dads company, the company pays for my phone, and I don’t have a car because my mom took it after a week of having it (she paid for most of the car so I guess it’s justified) so I use my boyfriends. I have no friends here and my mom barely talks to me. I don’t talk to my siblings either. The only one I talk to regularly is my dad and he’s great. I don’t really talk to him about my emotions because our relationship just isn’t like that but he gives me some money whenever I see him and I appreciate him so much for always checking in on me. Me and boyfriend have been fighting recently and he’s said really mean things. Last times we broke up I went to a psychiatric hospital and made an attempt followed again by a hospital. That’s why I feel like my mom and siblings are done supporting me which I guess I understand but I’m very hurt.

Me and my boyfriend have been fighting often recently and it scares me that we might break up and I’ll have rebuild every aspect of my life and go through the depression and possibly the hospital again because living with my family isn’t a good situation for me. I love my boyfriend and i don’t want to leave him but I feel like he knows and takes advantage of that.

At work I was on a zoom call and got completely embarrassed infront of all people that are “higher up” in job positions. 2 People jumped down my throat infront of 10 people on zoom. I don’t have a problem with what they said but why did they feel the need to do it infront of people. Now I’m extremely stressed at work because I’m afraid of missing something important therefore being reprimanded on zoom again.

Saturday I’m going to see my dad for his birthday and I bought him an expensive record player and a few vinyls of bands he likes. I texted his girlfriend and asked if she thinks he would use it but she didn’t answer until 3 hours after and I had bought it. She said he won’t use it because he has an Alexa. That broke me. I don’t know I’m extremely on edge and I’m tired of being sad and scared and dependent. I just want to run away and cut everyone off but at the same time I feel extremely alone. I don’t want to put pressure on my boyfriend by always venting to him either, but sometimes he makes me feel worse and I don’t think he knows how to comfort me. I haven’t been able to eat much for weeks and started menstruating 2 weeks early and he doesn’t see a problem. I feel like I’m drowning. I just want to run away.