Venttt cause i hate telling irl people what i feel and also want advice

venting 1 venting

so first of all some background on me i’m a teen who’s queer from a homophobic country and family :(

so just writing this i already wanna give up cause i know it’s too much work to write everything but i will write it soo i don’t think there’s anything wrong with me but i told my friend all of this and he says maybe i should talk to a therapist but i don’t want to waste my money for nothing so i guess i’ll ask ur opinion

first of all i’m a calm person but whenever my parents talk or sibling i just get so angry and i reply in a tempered manner and i don’t know if it’s cause we always get into arguments or cause i disagree with everything they agree on but that’s something. idk if it’s only with them cause i just realized this but when i’m with my aunti and she has the same viewpoints as my parents i still am very calm and don’t get angry. i guess if someone angers me then i might be tempered and think about arguing with them but i never lash out like with my parents over everything. even if my dad is laughing or mom then i’d get so angry and i don’t know why and i want to fix this. i’m already trying my best by being calm and listening to music on airpods so i can mute them out and lash out less

i also get the same temper with my business teacher and sometimes talk back but imo he’s rude and annoying and always is trying to fight

whenever i hâve to do something like a essay or work i always delay it for last minute like i’ll put a reminder a day before it’s due and when it comes i’d press the “remind me in 1 hour button” and just procrastinate

if i’m doing homework or studying for tests keeping my attention is hard and i always get distracted but sometimes i can force my attention but if the information is too much or too hard imo i’d skip it or feel so overwhelmed

i can sit still but when i turn on music or watch a video i sometimes wanna get get up and walk around the house or something and i don’t fidget a lot but i did realize i do shake my foot when swimming and sometimes when sitting

i also have a huge fear of abandonedment im so scared my friends would leave me i also have to let them reassure me they won’t leave “are u angry at me?” “did i do smth wrong?” are questions i ask for assurance but i’ve done this little now and it’s not as big of a problem as before

also there is this one guy he’s my online friend and i’m so scared of losing him and i’m scared he will find someone better than me and leave me and when he found someone which i dreaded. i actually didn’t care that much but every time i think of him i feel a feeling in my body which is the anxious feeling

also i’m so scared that maybe my ex or ex freinds or someone that hates me might tell someone smth abt me and make that person hate me or no longer like me even if there is 0 possiblity of them ever meeting

also i hate telling people what i feel cause i don’t want to feel like i’m seeking for attention or my worst fear is everything i said here will come true cause i said it

i mostly spend my day listening to music in bed after studying and looking forward to bed time so i can day dream and go to my imaginary world which i already do all the time even when i’m not asleep. but yk when it’s bed time like i have no distractions and can just day dream. i day dream when walking to the school gate when leaving school when in class and when i’m anxious or scared or if anything bad happens but it doesn’t take my whole time and doesn’t affect my schedules or anything

i also fear death so much im so scared of the after life this fear is so strong during bed time especially and i just hate it so much

i also sometimes feel bad for myself cause i hate the environment i’m in and i know i’m a good person but that’s a feeling i want to get rid off cause it feels so narcissistic

i hope i don’t sound annoying and thx for reading if u did <333