my first love was the loml and i have to let him go

Hello,

I (24F) encountered this guy (25M) when we were quite young, around 16 or 17, though it wasn't a traditional meeting. We had known of each other for years due to the same mosque and school, but we had never interacted until that point. We began chatting, and as we did, I started developing feelings for him. Strangely, I tend to conceal my emotions, so he had no idea about my feelings. However, he eventually asked if I liked him, and I replied that I used to, though not as much anymore. The truth is, that's when I realized I truly wanted to be with him. But I was always afraid of engaging in haram relationships, and he happened to be the first guy I ever talked to.

We had late-night conversations and frequent FaceTime calls that brought a lot of laughter into my life, which was one of the things I loved about him. My feelings only grew stronger, yet I refrained from telling him or inquiring about his feelings. Instead, I started behaving indifferently and creating arguments over trivial matters. After a major argument, we drifted apart, and he entered a relationship, but we still maintained contact, although it wasn't the same. I often thought he got a girlfriend to make me jealous since he frequently spoke about her to me. In response, I began talking to guys I knew were interested in me and discussing this with him.

We drifted even further apart, but my feelings for him endured, despite our almost complete disconnection. I hardly talked to any other guys, and even when a new person entered my life, he remained on my mind. However, that situation was a way for me to move on because it didn't last.

Fast forward to more recent times, he continued to linger in the back of my mind. We sporadically exchanged conversations, and at this point, I heard that he had a girlfriend who wanted to get married, but he wasn't ready at the time. I also heard another girl claiming to be his boyfriend, which left me in utter shock. My feelings for him dwindled somewhat at this point. We rekindled our connection a bit, but I began to view him more like family, consciously pushing aside my romantic feelings, especially since he had a girlfriend or two, and I didn't want to be part of such a situation.

I let him go, but I still felt a deep attachment to him, if that makes sense. People around me often suggested that we should start talking again, claiming that we would make a great couple. I continued to think about him, but our conversations remained limited to small talk.

Anyway, about a year ago, I learned that he was getting married. When I received this news, my heart shattered into a million pieces, and I went through eight months of being a mess, unable to sleep or eat. I couldn't help but think he was being pressured into the marriage, but I gradually started to accept it and let go.

I genuinely need advice on this matter. I've made every effort over the past few months, including prayer and supplication, asking Allah to help me let go of this man. I don't know what to do anymore. In my adult life, everyone around me is getting married and starting families, and I too envisioned that life with him. I reached a point where I wanted to confess my feelings so many times, but I held myself back, even though marrying him was something I desired from the beginning, with all the dreams of having children, a house, and a life together. I have no one to blame but myself for this situation. I feel that things might have been different if I had acted differently. Every day, something reminds me of him, and I'm desperately trying to free my mind from these thoughts. I removed him from all my social media, deleted his number, and blocked him, but it's been almost a year, and my feelings for him remain the same.

I just want peace. I want to let him go because the more I think about him, the more it hurts, knowing that we can never be together. I've prayed Istikhara for Allah to guide me toward what's best for me, and I've prayed Tahajud asking Allah to help me let go. It feels like I'm taking two steps forward and eight steps back. I still fantasize about a future with him, even though I know it's not possible. I need to move on.

I have faith that Allah has a superior plan, and I trust that He knows what's best. It's likely that he's not meant to be a part of my destiny, yet there's a lingering hope within me that suggests the possibility, even though I'm reluctant to entertain such unrealistic notions. I'm determined to release my thoughts from him; however, I'm uncertain about the path to achieve that.