I’m seeking help while in crisis and I’m absolutely terrified

TW: mentions of sh and mental distress

I’m really, really scared of getting help.

I’m 17m, and in the last couple weeks I’ve had multiple episodes of severe mental distress, paranoia, anxiety and delusion. Two of them can be found on this account. I was embarrassed keeping them up but I think it’s important that I let myself be vulnerable with this stuff- even if it’s anonymously on Reddit.

I’ve always suffered mentally, and it’s recently coming to a boil. My episode on Saturday left me feeling really unwell mentally, and on Sunday I was so overwhelmed I stupidly punched a brick wall outside my house until my knuckles were busted and bleeding. I am ashamed that I hurt myself like that.

I’m really, really scared. I’ve been looking at crisis hotlines in my area, hospitals too, and I’m fucking terrified of reaching out. I plan to tell my therapist all of this, and even though therapy hasn’t been too helpful due to lack of good mental health services, I’m sure they’ll know what I need to do.

I’m scared my parents are gonna have a bad reaction. They aren’t together and really aren’t on great terms- and have both equally had negative reactions to my mental health struggles in the past. One of them even laughing at the idea of me self harming.

I really, really hate admitting that I need help and support to function. I know I’m autistic and I have special needs but right now I really can’t be independent. I feel like a scared little kid. I always pressure myself to be this strong, reliable, successful person that others can look up to, and honestly I really feel awful about how mentally ill I am. But I can’t avoid it anymore. Many people have told me to seek urgent help so that is what I’m doing.

I just want to thank everyone who has commented and messaged me on here with support and advice. I can’t emphasise how much it means to me. Doing all of this by myself has been fucking terrifying. Trying to find a job and keep my head above water while being in such a bad state has been hell. On Saturday I was convinced people were out to hurt me, and while I am still scared of that, the paranoia is tiny compared to what it was. I feel like I can maybe trust people a bit more to look after me.

I’m really, really scared. Any messages and comments really appreciated