Source
r/malementalhealth•
alienwaren

I'll be never enough

Vent

I'm done.

I'm trying my hardest to be the best man for everyone I care about, yet my effort is overshadowed by mistakes along the way. Nobody notices my effort, nobody notices that I'm trying my goddamn best.
One slip-up - everything I've done is forgotten, I'm criticized and I'm back to square one.

Why? Why nobody notices my effort and say anything good about it? Why do I even try to be supportive, emphatetic if in the end all I get is criticism?

​

Posted Nov 7, 2023, 12:38 PM UTC

1321
friendforyou19•

I have struggled with these feelings before too. I'll tell you what helped me enormously with this. It may be a challenge...

I stopped struggling with this when I realized that my motivations were all wrong. I was doing "good" for the sake of the approval of other people. This is an empty and unfulfilling way to live for many reasons. One of these reasons is that (you're right) most people don't notice the compassion or empathy of others and if they do they are not forthcoming with compliments. (Side note: how often do you notice and commend others for making a good effort? Something to think about...)

The trick is NOT to do good for the sake of praise / validation from other people. Instead, do good because it is the right thing to do. When you obey your conscience, you can live a satisfied life. Stop giving people the opportunity to rob you of your joy. Instead, live by a code of ethics. Be principled and stick to your guns. Who cares if anybody notices? This is the path to contentment.

One last note: I happen to believe that the voice of a properly constituted conscience is one way that God communicates to us. The moral lawgiver has "written his law on our hearts." (2 Corin 3:3). Curious what you think about that!

9
gosshawk89•

I completely agree with you with the qualifier that I am not religious but view a lot of bible things as philosophy rather than religion.

You 100% know what is the right thing to do because of your moral compass, you cannot keep everyone happy and people will constantly disappoint you. Be proud of who you are and what you stand for. Keep yourself happy.

It's a massive mindset change and very hard, but it's the only real way for sustainable good mental health

4
SparkleCharm•

Could you give some specific examples of the mistakes that overshadow your efforts? Have you tried talking to the people you care about, about how you feel?

4
alienwarenOP•

My GF is non-binary. I'm Polish, so my native language is gendered in all its aspects. I think that way, and English is my secondary language.

I keep sometimes misgendering her, not because I want to annoy her or make her feel bad, but because I can't reprogram myself so fast. I try my hardest to remember it but I keep slipping up.

2
SparkleCharm•

It's understandable to struggle to reprogram yourself when you are used to a gendered language. Have you talked to your gf about this issue and explained your efforts to them? Communication and understanding between you two could help address this problem.

Sometimes, even with the best intentions, mistakes happen, you know. If she knows in which ways she is hurting you, she could maybe correct her behavior and be more understanding.

5
alienwarenOP•

I did try to explain it recently why I struggle and I don't mean harm. I still feel she is not understanding it at all, for her it's obvious way of thinking - for me it's not.

1
Song_of_Pain•

In general, if a non-binary person is changing what pronouns they're wanting to be called that quickly, they're trying to get you to slip up so they can justify shaming you. I've seen this with "non-binary" women quite frequently.

1
alienwarenOP•

She is not changing her pronouns. It's me trying to dissociate her 'feminine' looks from her sexual identity. It's years of living with a belief that looking as a gender means that you identify the gender.

I know her pronouns it's my brain struggling to reprogram.

1
Emergency-Virus4543•

You should get slack for this. Perhaps evaluate if you really are the problem or you are in a toxic relationship? Im sorry for the bluntness, but even if she is in pain and feels victimized, she demeans you when you are obviously just doing your best and that is not okay. A relationship must go both ways , you are a team not a servant and a ruler.

4
drhagbard_celine•

I know that frustration. You do what you think it's right because you think it's right and it's what you expect from yourself, not for any credit from others. Often in spite of the lack of credit.

2
alienwarenOP•

Yeah, but sometimes it is nice to be appreciated.

2
Catbryne•

Would you like to list some of the achievements that you’re most proud of? So I can offer my support (sincere compliments) to you.

2
alienwarenOP•

I guess I could.

My biggest achievement now is doing a Masters Degree in Artificial Intelligence, I've did a couple of amazing projects already.
I'm an amateur mini painter as a hobby, I think that I do alright job at it.
I'm also a simracing and motorsport fanatic, I used to start in a karting league back in Poland.

I can say so many good things about myself - I see what I can do as an engineer. I can't say it if I'm speaking about relationship - usually my shortcomings are destroying them.

2
Emergency-Virus4543•

That last sentence .. i dont think it is true. The only way it seems true, is that you dont have clear boundaries and dont respect yourself enough to set them. Because of fear of abandonment perhaps? I dont know. But you are clearly a resourceful person , with a big heart !! Just fit yourself into that heart!! Dont let people step on you even if you love them and they love you. Sometimes people can love and abuse at the same tine, and you will be damaged where you dont have to. It is painful and scary to stand up for yourself, but perhaps you have to. And not be crushed by negative feedback. Because you are worth being treated well..

2
alienwarenOP•

Thank you for kind words.
I'm afraid of abandoment, you are right about that. I'm afraid that if people see how selfish, self-centered I am, people will run away.

2
Emergency-Virus4543•

It is not selfish to not accept mistreatment and abuse , that is just live and respect .. for you. Which is 100% worthy of it.

3
Catbryne•

The fact that people are here to offer you their advices, proves that your efforts have not gone unnoticed. I wish to send you my best regards, be proud of what you have achieved and empower yourself with self-love, then confidence. If you need help, you can always build connections to open up new paths or to find solutions to old problems.

2
alienwarenOP•

Thank you man for those kind words. I appreciate it a lot.

1